Personal Assistant
by 0ut0fTheBlue
Summary: Tim is a simple desk worker who got a promotion to work as the assistant of an Advent Commander. Commander Tassali is a viper with an agenda of her own. How will the two survive dealing with the other, and more importantly, who'll snap first.
1. chapter 1

Incoming Transmission from Advent Command:

"Greetings Commander Tessali, we are contacting you to inform you that your request for a personal secretary to help you organize and keep track of affairs about your base has been approved and your assistant is headed towards you as we speak. We hope he works for your needs given he was one of the most competent workers we could afford to give."

End transmission.

(Tim's PoV)

I'll never forget those wonderful words I heard as I sat at my desk in one of the large communications centers Advent had set up. Before I get ahead of myself allow me to tell you about myself. My name is Timmothy Ignasio Poinsett or "Tim" for short. I was... well... pretty below average all things considered. I was tall and gaunt which had earned me the nickname "Scarecrow" as a kid, as well as my wild dirty blonde hair. I swear, no matter what I tried I always looked like I'd been struck by lightning. As far as my face goes, well... it was like the rest of me. Long and thin. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm like 6' 7" with visible ribs, just that I was taller than some and a lot thinner than some. Whatever, I'm getting sidetracked. My day was going like usual.

"Hello, this is the Advent urgent needs line! Please tell me what I can do to help, because Advent cares."

And then listen to someone blabbering on for a while about how their TV isn't working before I told them this was for EMERGENCIES! Then they'd get all huffy and hang up. Yeah, I had a fun job. But, it all changed when I received an email on my computer.

{Employee number -167- please report to the transport bay. You have been promoted to the personal secretary of -Commander Tassali- and will be moving to -Base #47- immediately. Thank you, and good luck.}

I sat back in my swivel chair. I was getting a promotion. An actual promotion! And I was moving too! How awesome could this get! I quickly grabbed my few desktop decorations and made my way towards the elevator. I had memorized the protocol for this promotion and the subsequent move. You dropped what you owned at work off, cleaned out your apartment, and then flew off to wherever you were going. I'd put my name in for consideration the moment an opportunity for a better job in a different local was offered.

A few hours later and I had already traveled two-thirds of the distance to my new home/workplace. Who was this Commander Tassali? My guess was one of the humans in charge of the Advent Peacekeepers. Although, apparently this base was situated near the Appalachian Mountains so... honestly, it didn't matter what they did so long as they signed my paycheck. I looked at my packet one last time before leaning back and closing my eyes. Hopefully this was the start of something awesome.

(Tassali)

"What iss thiss!"

Tassali let her breath escape in a drawn out hiss as she read that rather than grant her any of the other requests, like a new post, she'd only been granted a personal assistant.

 _I had asked for one to help me if they did decide to grant me a more deserving post! How am I supposed to climb the ranks of the regime if I'm stuck in this "surveillance base"! As if we did any surveillance. Nothing ever happens here._

She sighed and took a calming breath. She began to slither towards the landing pad in preparation for meeting her new assistant.

 _Hopefully they'll assign me a fellow viper. I don't know how much longer I can stand these dull Advent Peacekeeper units._

She folded her clawed hands in her lap and coiled her serpentine tail slightly as she sat in one of the few chairs around the landing pad. Soon the sounds of the approaching transport filled the air with a dark smudge approaching over the horizon. She waited expectantly as the transport landed and the door opened. But, to her horror, out stepped a... a...

"Human!?"

(Tim's PoV)

I stepped out of the transport and right in front of me was... woah. Sitting there staring at me was a viper. You know, one of those really tall snake ladies. Yeah, so... who... was she? No, this wasn't...

She straightened her posture before slithering over to me. She barely even looked me in the eye before saying in a strained voice,

"I am Commander Tassali. Are you... my new..."

She paused and closed her eyes.

"Assistant?"

"Yeah, my name's Timmothy."

I held out a hand which she didn't shake. She took a deep breath before slithering away.

"Feel free to settle into your quarters. I'll... you'll begin work tomorrow."

And with that she was gone. Sheesh, was it really so busy around here that she didn't have time to talk or did she just not like me? Whatever, with the extra cash I'll make from this I can retire early! Worth it!

I followed the map included in my packet until I reached my new home. Upon opening the door I was greeted with a very spartan room with a basic bed and nightstand. A door led to the bathroom where a sink, toilet, and shower were located. I plopped my suitcase down and began planning where I'd put everything.

"Alright... I can make this work."

(Tassali)

"I can not believe they ssssent me a... a... filthy human!"

She slammed her fist against the countertop of her bathroom as she stared into her own red eyes. She hissed again, her forked tongue flickering out of her mouth.

"Thisss 'Personal Assistant' issss a bigger insssult than thisss possst!"

She realized she was hissing again and took several calming breaths.

"If they think It's funny to send me one of those... those... apes, then I'll make it funny!"

She grinned a devilish grin as an idea hatched in her brain.

"I can make this work. Rather than an 'assistant', Command has sent me the greatest gift they possibly could."

She hissed in laughter.

"I can finally treat one of those inferiors their place in the world! I'll make his life so miserable working under me that he'll snap! He'll be begging to go back! It's going to be... hilarious!"

She laughed to herself as she prepared to go to bed. Tomorrow, tomorrow was going to be interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

Beep! Beep! Beep!*

SLAP*

Groan*

Was there some universal rule that your alarm had to be the most annoying sound possible? I think there might be. It's the only reason that makes sense as to why the default on all alarm clocks was the shrieking of the demons in hell rather than, like, forest sounds or something comforting.

With a grunt I rolled out of bed and made my way to the shower. According to my job instructions, I was supposed to be ready by eight o'clock and report to Commander... I looked at the packet again as I tried to remember how I pronounced the name.

"T-E-S-S-A-L-I. Teh-saw-lee, Tessali. I think. The paper clearly shows there's an 'e'."

I shrugged before getting into the small shower. As I washed, I thought of the possible implications of working for a viper. Hopefully things would go smoothly, I'd rather not be bitten by a massive lady snake... or squeezed to death... or clawed to death... way to stay positive Tim.

When I was clean I put on my outfit as required by my new dress code. I had to wear a button down, pants, and nice shoes. Flexible! I was wearing a simple light blue shirt and a pair of jeans. I looked in the mirror and attempting to make my hair look like it was that "messy on purpose" style rather than "Einstein except dirty blonde."

Upon making myself presentable I followed my map towards the cafeteria for some breakfast. Apparently I was supposed to eat in the Commander's dining room, which was a small room set apart for her meals, if she wanted. I walked the empty halls and began looking at all the closed doorways. Honestly, it was pretty quiet. I was starting to wonder exactly what we did here given how few people I'd seen. Upon reaching the cafeteria I approached the meal dispenser and selected my breakfast of choice, cereal and a cup of tea.

Once in the Commander's dining room I set my tray down and began waiting for my new boss to slither in. I started eating my cereal as I looked over my schedule. It was basically just telling me times I was expected to be available and after that I was free. Unless I was required to do something by my boss.

The door opened and in slithered my armor wearing Commander.

"Good morning, Commander Tessali."

She paused.

"What?!"

"I-I said good morning?"

"No, what did you call me?!"

"C-Commander Tessali."

"My name is Tassali! Tah-sah-lee!"

"B-but the paper said--"

She snatched my papers out of my hands and read them over before hissing angrily.

"What is this-this-this insult!"

She stared at the paper in horror and I looked at her in confusion.

"Is it really that bad?"

She slowly hissed and looked away.

"Tassali means 'sharp-fang' in my native tongue. But 'Tessali'..."

"What does, um, Tessali mean?"

She looked at the floor and hissed slowly.

"It means... 'male-who-lays-with-other-male.'"

I let it sink in before bursting out laughing.

"Oh! Oh my-- BWAAAHAHAH! That, that's hilarious!"

She hissed angrily and grabbed my by the throat with her clawed hand.

"Do not dare mock my name you ssscum!"

I gagged as she cut off my airflow before gasping out.

"Was... laughing... about... mistake!"

She 'hmph'ed before dropping me and heading towards the meal dispenser. She selected yogurt with blackberries and coffee before slithering back towards the door.

"Be at my chamber door at eight thirty. I will give you your assignment then."

I nodded without saying a word, careful not to anger her. She sniffed and left, a content smile on her serpentine face. Once she was gone I sighed in relief before rubbing my throat.

"Note to self, don't laugh about her name's unfortunate misspelling."

(Eight Thirty, Outside Tassali's Door.)

I rocked back and forth on my heels as I waited. I'd been hearing some odd noises from Tassali's room, like splats and laughter. So... what was I going to be doing? The door opened and Tassali slithered out with a devious gleam in her eyes.

"Good, you're here. I want you to clean my quarters. That includes cleaning the bathroom, and my sleeping chamber. Do the laundry and then organize my wardrobe. I want everything spotless."

"Alright, I'll get to work."

She slithered past me and I stepped into her room.

"Holy!..."

I swear I heard a laugh from the hallway as I looked at the disaster area that was Tassali's room. There was yogurt splattered across the walls and coffee splashed on the carpet. Piles of clothes were thrown around willy-nilly and there was a layer of dirt over everything.

Upon entering the bathroom I saw smears and smudges all over the mirror as well as water spilled all over the floor. The shower curtain and the bathtub had some sort of red paste smeared all over them. I exited the bathroom and looked in the closet to see a large pile of dresses mounded in the middle.

"This is going to take a while."

(Tassali)

Tassali snickered as she entered the control room of her base. Even if she couldn't watch it live, she had a video camera recording Timmothy's torture.

 _I can not imagine something more demeaning than cleaning another's quarters. It's slave work! He'll be smoldering inside as he picks up all those shirts! I had to pile them all up and rotate them while I exercised so I'd get them all sweaty and gross! Unfortunately I could only put one camera up so I won't be able to view the closet._

She sighed as she began reviewing that days schedule.

 _I'll enjoy watching that tape in bed with a bowl of ice cream. Maybe I should make some cocoa too. Nothing better to warm me up after some ice cream._

She shivered slightly as she thought of the first time she ate the icy sweet.

 _Curse my lack of temperature regulation. But I will not debase my pure viper genes with the genes of a... human._

(Tim's PoV)

I wiped my brow as I scrubbed the mirror with a cloth and glass cleaner. I'd had a difficult time cleaning the yogurt and coffee off of everything but I'd remembered what my Mom taught me about getting stains out. After applying my homemade stain remover to the carpet and then using a sponge to remove the yogurt from the walls I had moved on to the bathroom.

I decided to start on the mirror thinking it would be pretty easy, but, I was wrong.

"Did she lick these mirrors after eating cream of mushroom soup!?"

I stretched my back as I took a break from scrubbing. I still had the rest of the bathroom to clean and then the laundry to do. I paused as I realized exactly what was going on. She was testing me. And if this was a test, I was going to exceed expectations. I smiled as I rolled my shoulders.

"Time to shine."

I threw myself into the cleaning with a gusto that rivaled an OCD mother with germaphobia. Once the bathroom was clean I moved on to the laundry. I grabbed a laundry backet and walked over to one of the piles and began combining it all into one big pile. I paused as I saw the huge pile.

"I'm... going to need to come back to that with a much bigger basket. I'll... organize the closet first."

As I walked past the bed I paused and looked at it. If I'm going to impress her, I should also clean her sheets, and, I'll wait to take them out of the dryer until the last second so they're super warm. I'm not a viper specialist, but I think they prefer warm places. So warm sheets will earn me some extra credit.

I moved over to the massive bed and started pulling off the silky sheets. It was... difficult given how large the bed was. Heck, I had to crawl over it to reach the corners. I gathered up the sheets and carried them to the washing machine located down the corridor and put then in on the "super delicate careful wash" setting. With that done I headed back to the room.

Upn entering her closet, I noticed that there weren't actually that many dresses here. But, she had a dresser with drawers situated in the back, must be where she stored her shirts. I began looking through the drawers and saw that all of them were empty, well, until I reached the bottom right one.

Upon opening it, I saw what was on top and pulled it out. In my hands was a bright red crop top with the words "snake charmer" in black, curly letters. I shook my head as I imagined the stern viper wearing the top. I looked under the other, more typical shirts but saw something black poking out on the side. I grabbed it and pulled the mystery object out and.

"Sweet... wow."

In my hands was a lacy piece of black lingerie that was in a pretty... impressive size. Not freakish, but definitely... large

I mean, I haven't seen her... assets. Those are venom sacks, right? I've heard that but never asked. I mean, you don't typically ask about the breasts of snake ladies.

I looked at the tag still attached and deduced it had never been worn.

Thank goodness, I did not need that image in my head.

I shook my head and replaced the bra. Enough grab-assing, time to sort.

It took quite some time to organize the dresses into the correct color pattern and even then, why did she have so many dresses? And why were so many so... immodest. I mean, that one was literally just strips of black fabric! And that red one was backless AND super deep V-neck.

With that out of the way, I decided to tackle the laundry. I had just grabbed the massive pile before my foot caught on a shirt and I topped over backwards, with the laundry falling on top of me. My cry was muffled by the mountain of pungent shirts that covered me. I gagged as the smell filled my nose.

Sweet... that, that's rank! How does one person sweat this much!?

I wriggled out of the mountain and stood with my arms outstretched.

"Ugh, I am never going to get that smell out, am I?"

I stuck my tongue out as I tasted something nasty.

"Ugh! It goth im mah mouph!"

I decided to take multiple trips to carry the damp clothes into the laundry cart and soon had them all loaded up. One problem remaining, how many loads was this?

(That night.)

Tassali smiled as she slithered towards her room. She was shivering with anticipation as she drew closer.

 _How bad is it still? I hope not too bad, maybe I went overboard? If there's stuff left I'm going to have to deal with it._

She opened the door just as I finished putting away her laundry. I only had to get the sheets out of the dryer. She gaped at the spotless room before her.

"Good evening, Commander Tassali. Unfortunately I still have to make your bed, but feel free to take a long bath while you wait. Would you like for me to fetch you anything as I get your sheets?"

She blinked and headed towards the bathroom.

"Uh... s-some ice cream and hot cocoa."

"What flavor of ice cream?"

"Rocky road."

I smiled and nodded.

"As you wish, Commander Tassali. Enjoy your bath."

She stood frozen as I left. Once the door closed she took the opportunity to look around the room. It was even cleaner than before she messed it up! She sighed and began taking off her armor. Once she was free from the metal plates she grabbed a comfortable shirt and slithered into the bathroom. After filling the tub with warm water she slid in and sighed.

 _He might have accomplished what I thought impossible, but..._

Her grin returned.

 _He probably looked like a fool while doing it!_

Her vindictive glee having returned, Tassali thoroughly enjoyed the bath and soon was dried off and wearing her chosen shirt. She opened the bathroom door just as her room door shut. Sitting on her bedside table was a trey holding a bowl of her favorite frosty treat and a steaming mug of brown, chocolatey goodness.

She hummed as she approached the bed.

 _Not bad, at least he's a useful servant who can do what I ask. Not bad at all... for a human that is._

She turned on the screen that rested opposite her bed and selected the file for the surveillance footage from her room today. She'd skip the more boring parts and just watch the highlights. Maybe later she could watch it all.

Upon getting into bed and feeling her sheets against her scales, Tassali gasped... before settling down deeper and pulling them up to her neck.

"Oooh... that's nice."

She hissed contentedly as the warmth seeped into her slightly chilly frame. She begrudgingly admitted that Timmothy had done well to warm her sheets for her.

 _Even if he is one of the native apes, he seems to know his place. Maybe his service will go smoother than I thought._

She picked up her bowl and began eating as the footage showed him looking around the filthy room.

"Oh yes, it is a large mess isn't it. Hehe, took me a while to make too."

She nodded in surprise as he developed a solution to clean the carpet.

"Smart. Very smart Mr. Ape."

She snickered as he feebly tried to clean the mirror. Upon hearing his comment about her licking the mirror, she laughed.

"Actually, it was clam chowder! Good guess though."

When she saw him get buried in sweaty shirts she began to howl with laughter.

"Nyehehe! Does that smell goooood? Do you like it? I've heard some males have a fetish for that sort of thing, hopefully he doesn't start trying to steal my workout tops."

She snickered at the thought of the dull human pining after her.

 _It would be so hilarious if he did. I would be sure to... give him a peek now and then._

She laughed again as an image of a slack jawed Tim drooling as she slithered past came to mind.

Upon finishing her ice cream and being almost done with the footage, Tassali picked up the cup of hot cocoa and took a sip. The ice cream had made her cold and her sheets were not nearly as warm as before. Upon drinking the beverage, she froze.

 _This isn't what the dispenser serves! Did he... make this himself?!_

She growled as she realized he had once again one upped her. She'd tried to make him miserable and hate her, but he'd... he'd...

"You sly human. You were extra nice to me, just for spite! You win this round, but I will break you. I will win this war."

She finished the (admittedly delicious) drink before turning in for the night.

 _I must try harder! How can I break that stupid human._

She pondered and pondered until a devious plot came to mind.

"Oh, that'll work perfectly."

(Meanwhile)

 _I looked around as I found myself in Tassali's quarters, except that everything was light in the soft glow of candlelight. My eyes locked on the feminine form of Tassali as she seductively slithered forward, wearing the lingerie I'd found in her dresser._

 _"You've been such a help that I thought I'd show you why I earned the name." She placed her hand on my chest before slowly sliding it down my body. "Snake charmer."_

 _As she pressed closer her alluring scent filled the air. She had just reached my waist and was undoing my belt, the light gleaming off her curvaceous figure. I began to sweat as she looked me in the eyes with her bright red eyes._

 _"Don't be scared. I promise," she leaned closer until her lips were tickling my ear, "You'll enjoy every second of it."_

I woke up with a gasp in a cold sweat. I looked at my clock which read 12:00 am.

"What... the actual hell."

I shuddered in self-induced cringe before my eyes rolled up and I fell back asleep. Fortunately, I would not remember THAT particular dream in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

(Breakfast, The Following Morning)

I yawned and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes as I sat down to eat my toast and eggs. I hadn't seen Tassali yet, but maybe she preferred to eat alone. As I ate my breakfast the door opened and Tassali came in. She got her meal and sat down opposite me. She looked... perturbed. I stifled a yawn and nodded.

"Good morning, Commander Tassali."

She "hmph"ed and went back to her ham. I decided I should at least try to make conversation, so I started to wrack my brain for a good topic.

"So... have you actually worn any of those dresses? I've only seen you in armor... although I have only been here a day and a half."

She sighed and looked at me with annoyance.

"Do you really care?"

I shrugged, which evoked a sigh.

"I have a... friend from when I was younger that I am still in touch with. We send eachother gifts some times and she insists on sending me those dresses in an attempt to get me to 'lighten up.' I have never actually worn any of them, but I appreciate the gesture."

I nodded.

"Makes sense. I mean, you didn't really seem the type."

Her eyes snapped to mine.

"What!?"

I gave her a curious look.

"I said you didn't seem the type. A lot of those dresses were pretty... revealing."

She snorted and... was that a chuckle?! Did I make Commander Hardass laugh!?

"I agree. How can anyone think it's a good idea to cover so little of themselves. One of them did not even fully cover my chest!"

I waved her off and gave her a "pfff."

"Did you see the black one that was just strips of fabric!"

Her eyes widened and she stifled a laugh.

"I forgot about that particular one! I thought it was a scarf at first."

The image of the viper before me wrapping a dress around her neck made me start laughing too. She joined in before stopping all of the sudden and scowling. I noticed and raised an eyebrow.

"What? Afraid of laughing?"

She huffed and crossed her arms.

"I fear nothing!"

I smirked, might as well have some fun with this. Might help her like me more.

"Scared of looking weak?"

She hissed, fury blazing in her scarlet eyes.

"I am not weak! I will make you eat your words."

She slammed her elbow onto the table and looked at me expectantly.

"Arm wrestling?"

She nodded and glared at me, a wicked smile on her face.

"Scared?"

I grit my teeth. I knew there was no way I could actually win. Her arms might be thin, but they were still muscular and, given how far she lifted me yesterday, really dang strong. And I'm not even that strong to begin with. I lifted my arm and met her clawed hand with my own.

"Best two out of three."

I nodded in agreement with her plan. I gotta think. I mean, I don't care that much, but still. If I can't beat her straight up, maybe I can use all the tricks I learned in middle school (probably one of the only things I learned there.) Before I could really plan she started counting.

"Three, two, one."

I pushed against her arm, but to no avail. Steadily my arm moved towards the table as she smirked. Finally she slammed my hand against the table and hissed in satisfaction.

"Were you even trying?"

I huffed and we reset. I knew exactly what to do this time. As I gripped her hand and we started again my hand slowly started moving towards the table. I smiled and looked at her.

"Wow, your hands are really soft."

Her head jerked back a bit and I used her distraction to win. I lifted my arms and smirked at her. She hissed and glared at me.

"What was that!?"

I shrugged. She frowned and we got ready again. She looked at me and hissed.

"This time I will not lose my focus. No matter what you say."

"Fair enough."

On her mark we began to struggle once again, except, I never stopped looking at her eyes. After a few times glancing up at my face in confusion she hissed.

"What?!"

"You have such pretty eyes."

"WHAT!?!"

Her hand hit the table and I stood with a cheer. She sat there, open mouthed.

"What wasss that!? You... what!?"

I snickered.

"I got in your head. I knew you were going to beat me unless you couldn't focus."

She crossed her arms and hummed before sighing and grudgingly saying,

"Clever, very clever. I applaud your ingenuity."

I nodded.

"Thank you. Although I do admit you are hella times stronger than me."

That seemed to help as she smirked and her tongue flicked out.

"Of course I am. What kind of viper wouldn't be able to overpower a human."

"Yeah... especially given I've heard you could turn my rib cage into jelly with your tail."

She sniffed and straightened with pride. Back to her prickly self.

"Most likely."

Glad I wasn't in danger of revenge constriction anymore, I finished off my breakfast.

"So what's on the agenda for today?"

She didn't look up as she replied,

"You'll be checking all of the circuit breakers in the base, as well as the fuse boxes."

"Uh... I don't really know how to do that."

She flashed me a devious smile.

"That's alright, you'll figure it out."

(A few minutes later.)

"So it's that easy?"

Tassali nodded.

"Pretty much."

I reached into the fuse box and immediately jerked my hand away as I got shocked. I swear Tassali snickered as I started to suck on my zapped digits.

"Don't forget to check for voltage."

I nodded before trying again, the good question was... what did she mean by--

(Tassali)

She grinned in anticipation as he reached in again. Unfortunately, at that moment a surge of electricity ran through the circuit... and into Timmothy. He flew backwards and lay smoking on the ground, eyes wide open as he twitched slightly. Small gasping sounds escaped his throat as he spasmed.

"Uh... are you okay?"

No response.

"Timmothy!"

Still nothing. She reached down with two claws and felt for a pulse... nothing.

"Oh tka'k! I stopped his heart!"

She leaned down and shook him.

"You are not permitted to die while on duty!"

She clasped her hands together over his heart and began pumping his chest as she looked around for--

"Defibrillator!"

She lunged forward and grabbed the kit off it's place on the wall and opened it up. She pulled off his shirt before applying the paddles to his chest. She hit the buttons and his back arched before he hit the floor. She felt his neck again before placing her head on his chest to listen.

... ... ..lub-dub... lub-dub.

She sighed in relief as Timmothy groaned.

"Ow."

She picked him up and looked him over.

"Are you going to die again?"

"I don't... I'm fine."

With that out of the way she dropped him and slithered away.

"Good, I guess I should give you the rest of the day off to recover."

She looked back as he staggered to his feet before collapsing against the wall. As she saw his pitiful attempts to walk, she felt something she hadn't expected, guilt. She'd been the cause of this. She'd almost... no, she'd killed him. In hindsight, wanting to see him get electrocuted had some major flaws. She might not like him, but his general wellbeing was her responsibility. She sighed before slithering up behind him and grabbing him by hooking her arm under his shoulders and leaning him against her.

"What are you...?"

"Unfortunately, there is no one around to make take you to the medical bay, so I have to."

He nodded and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. After walking down what felt like the world's longest corridor they arrived at the automized medbay. When he was sitting in one of the chairs Tassali approached the terminal and began typing.

"How are you feeling."

"Like a microwaved burrito. Burnt on the outside but frozen on the inside."

She typed some more before asking another question.

"Do you feel dazed."

"I think?"

"Confused."

"Kinda."

"Tired."

"Yeah."

She scrolled through the holographic display before sighing and rubbing her temples with a claw.

"What?"

"Apparently not only did I have to start you heart again, but I now have to ensure you don't fall asleep for the next fourteen hours in case you had a stroke as a side effect of your electrocution. If you don't display any symptoms of stroke in that time, you can resume your normal routine. Which means you have to stay in my quarters."

"Why don't you make one of your subordinates watch me?"

"Because they're all idiots."

Before he could ask more questions Tassali picked him back up and made her way towards her room.

Once inside she pulled up a chair and made him sit so he was beside her bed. She crawled into bed and turned on her screen before looking at him.

"Given I no longer am on duty, I am going to go change out of my armor. Don't... fall... asleep."

He nodded and she entered her closet. After a while she returned wearing a simple red V-neck and carrying her armor. She put the metal pieces on a manakin before lying back down and flipping through the channels. She looked over as Timmothy yawned and his eyes started to droop slightly. She smirked as she realized something.

 _This might not be so bad after all._

She cocked her arm back and slapped him across the face which woke him right up. The cycle continued until the allotted time was fulfilled.

"Finally. Apparently you can sleep now. Return to your--"

A quiet snore interrupted her as she saw he had fallen asleep sitting in the chair. She rolled her eyes before picking him up and carrying him to his personal quarters. Once inside she removed his smoke-smelling clothes and put him in bed. As she looked at his sleeping form she huffed.

"I might have had to play nice today, but tomorrow your torment resumes."


	4. Chapter 4

Upon waking up the next morning I came to a sudden conclusion. I felt like crap. I felt like I had been hit by a bus and then beaten by an angry mob of bodybuilders. As I crawled out of bed and got into the shower I couldn't help but think of how bad I wanted to barricade myself in my room. But, I didn't follow through given I was eating breakfast a few minutes later.

"Morning, Commander Tassali."

She grunted and got her food before sitting down and looking at me.

"You look like crap."

"I feel like crap."

She took a bite before pointing at me.

"Where does it hurt?"

I chuckled.

"The question is where doesn't it hurt."

"Well where doesn't it hurt?"

Was she actually being sympathetic? Huh, that was surprisingly nice. I pointed to my right shoulder.

"Here, and--"

She pulled back and slugged my shoulder so hard I fell out of my chair.

"OW! What was that for!?"

"To distract you from your other injuries."

Yeah right. Like I believed that.

I sat back down and rubbed my shoulder as I glared at her smug face.

"Gotta admit, that's one heck of a punch you've got."

She cracked her knuckles and smirked.

"That's nothing compared to my right hook. Want to give it try?"

"N-no thanks!"

We ate in silence until we were finished. I disposed of my tray as she checked her data pad.

"You're in luck. Today's the day that you have to run inventory."

That didn't sound too bad. At least it wasn't dangerous sounding.

"Alright. Where am I going?"

"Just follow me."

(At Storage)

I gaped at the massive amount of boxes crammed into the relatively small room. There were stacks going from the floor to the ceiling and spilling out into huge mounds.

"I have to sort... all of this?"

Tassali gave me her signature sneer.

"No, I brought you here to admire all the supplies."

Smartass.

"So... how do you want me to sort these?"

"Some boxes have labels telling you not to open them. Don't open them. They are being stored here for later use. Other than that, use this to tell you where to put everything."

She handed me a small map with the room and various squares on it.

"Open the boxes. Count what's inside. Enter it in your datapad."

"But I don't have--"

A datapad was slammed into my gut so hard it winded me.

"Oops, sorry."

I wheezed and fell to my knees as she left. Okay, she really hated me. I wonder what I did to make her hate me though? I might never know.

Hours of tedious sorting blended together until it was finally lunch. I dragged myself to the mess hall and grabbed a sandwich. As I ate I tried to massage some feeling into my aching hands and stretch out my sore back. I finished just as Tassali entered and left as she was getting her food. I'd rather not get decked again.

(Tassali)

Tassali hissed in satisfaction as Timmothy left as soon as she entered the room.

 _I see he's getting frustrated. Hopefully he'll do something stupid so I can really give him a sound thrashing._

She smiled at the pleasant thought and sat down to her lunch. It was nice to have some peace and quiet without those dull Advent Peacekeepers who were stationed here as reserves bothering her constantly. And, she could look over the footage of her "assistant" sorting things. She hoped he'd start screaming and throwing stuff and attack her so she could throw him from the roof. Or maybe she should squeeze the life out of him, or bite him and watch him slowly succumb to her venom. She smiled as she daydreamed of all the ways to destroy the annoying runt should he turn on her.

(The next day. Timmothy's PoV)

I had just reached breakfast and was already in a foul mood. Given how much more there still was to sort and catalog, I would be doing inventory for a few more days. It was grueling work to do by one's self and I don't know if my back would ever stop hurting again. I ate quickly to avoid the Commander. If she was bound and determined to make me miserable, I would just stay out of her way from now on.

I finished and left, passing Tassali in the hallway as I made my way to storage.

(Tassali)

Despite being disappointed by not seeing anything interesting on the footage she'd watched of Timmothy, she'd had a wonderful dream about him. He'd revealed himself to be an X-COM agent sent to assassinate her and held her at gun point. She'd used her tongue to disarm him before beating him to death with a fire extinguisher while choking him with her tail in a cloud of her poison. It truly was a spectacular way to go you had to admit.

She sat down to her breakfast and looked at the empty chair across from her. She smiled as she realized she wouldn't have to put up with his annoying blabbering today. Could this get any better?

The next day the same thing happened, and the next. Tassali saw less and less of Timmothy as he was still busy in storage. As she sat down to breakfast, alone, she realized something. She was bored. There was nobody to talk to in the entire base. She literally had no one to spend time with at all, and it was really starting to get on her nerves. But why? It hadn't before. What had changed?

Tassali sat back and thought about her conundrum until she remembered when she'd explained the situation with the dresses to Timmothy, and how she'd laughed then. No... she couldn't... Did she actually... miss him? A little bit?

"No, I hate him! He was so goofy and acted like a buffoon! I often wondered if he had a brain at all with the mindless comments and his cheesy smile."

But the more she thought about it, the more she realized. He'd sort of grown on her. Well, mocking him had. He was fun to make fun of and laugh at, especially given he never took it seriously. What before she'd found infuriating, had become almost... endearing. Anything was better than this insufferable loneliness.

 _But I messed it all up. He's avoiding me now because I constantly harmed him._

She looked up and scowled.

 _I still find him pathetic and stupid, but he's more interesting than watching dust settle. I've got to fix this. But how?_

She brightened as an idea came to her. She wolfed down the rest of her meal and hurried to storage.

(Timmothy's PoV)

I grunted as I slowly lifted the box of spare fuses and lightbulbs and carried it over to the designated "electronics" section. Given the rate I was going, I still had two days of inventory left. I rubbed my back as I caught my breath. What had been annoying before was insufferable now. I couldn't sleep with the constant pain coursing through me, let alone carry heavy boxes.

The door opened and Tassali came in and began to look around. So help me, if she tells me there's another room...

"You've made quite a bit of progress. Not bad."

I grunted and began sorting through another box. She slithered over and looked inside as I copied its contents into my datapad. After I finished with that (which was easy given it had four massive cans of paint) I stood and started preparing myself for the insane task of carrying said paint. I'd had to carry another box like that and had to take ten breaks just to move it to its place. Before I could lift it Tassali effortlessly picked it up and looked at the map before slithering over and placing it in "janitorial."

"Uh..."

She turned to me.

"I figured that since I have no real duties today I would offer my assistance in completing inventory."

Oh hell no. I know what she's planning.

"Sorry, but I don't really want your help. I'd rather not have a mountain of boxes 'accidentally' dropped on me."

She sighed and crossed her arms before saying.

"I've never done this so don't get used to it. I... apologize for physically harming you. It was in bad taste and unprofessional."

I looked her in the eye. She seemed sincere, oddly enough. I groaned.

"I feel like I'm going to regret this, but apology accepted. Also, you're my boss so you technically don't have to help."

"Consider it... a get well soon gift from your accident before."

I grunted and stretched my back, a twinge of pain lancing through my spine as I did.

"Back trouble?"

I nodded and Tassali did something unexpected. She wrapped her tail around my legs and held them steady as she wrapped her arms around my chest in an "X" and pulled up while keeping my legs down. My spine stretched and I heard a massive pop before sweet relief flooded my senses.

"Oh sweet... thanks."

She let me go and nodded before getting to work. With her impressive strength it looked like we would finish the job before dinner. As we were finishing up I looked at her and said.

"So why are you really doing this?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are you helping me?"

"To be honest, I want you to stop avoiding me. As infuriating as you are, this base is boring without being able to torment you at meals."

I rolled my eyes.

"Thanks. And here I was thinking we were friends."

She scoffed.

"Don't get me wrong. Tomorrow I'll find you the most demeaning, unpleasant task I can."

"And I'll do it better than expected just to spite you."

She smirked at me and hissed.

"I wonder if you'll be this cocky when faced with some unimaginable horror."

"Bring it."

When we finished we ate dinner. We weren't friends or anything given she would do stuff just to try to annoy me or one-up me for spite, but I wasn't worrying about having a piano dropped on me anymore. Overall, an improvement in my book. Less mortal enemies and more... frien-emies.


	5. Chapter 5 (Part 1)

I say down to breakfast and waited expectantly for my serpent boss to arive. She should be here soon. I waited... and waited... eventually, my food got cold and I decided to go look for her. It wasn't like Tassali to be late. She hated tardiness almost as much as she hated me. I made my way to Tassali's personal quarters and knocked on the door.

"Commander Tassali? You in there?"

(Tassali: Hours Earlier.)

Tassali woke up to an unexpected chill. It wasn't a typical chill either. She felt oddly weak and frail. She tried to get out of bed to check the thermostat, but failed to rise. She was so cold she could barely move, and her head was pounding like a drum.

 _No, it can't be. But... but... I can't be sick!_

She shuddered as her body grew even colder. Despite wrapping herself in as many blankets as possible she could barely move with all the shivering. She closed her eyes and resigned herself to a miserable few weeks of the dreaded Viperian Influenza. Eventually, she heard a knock at the door and a familiar voice called out.

"Commander Tassali? You in there?"

She tried to respond but was too weak to make more than a frail groan. The door opened and Timmothy stepped in. He took one look and rushed over.

"Tassali!? Are you okay!?"

"C-c-cold."

She couldn't say any more, she was shaking too much. She could barely keep her eyes open as Timmothy looked at her with concern.

(Timmothy's PoV)

Oh dang it! I can't figure out what's wrong until she warms up! Stupid cold-blooded-ness! I thought back to my old Boy Scout days and remembered what you do if you're trapped in the arctic and dying of cold. You share body heat. I groaned and placed a hand on my commander's scaled shoulder.

"I need to warm you up so you can tell me what's wrong. Sorry about this!"

I kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed with her. I wrapped my arms around her back and clung to her chest. My unfortunate angle of entry caused by my quick action resulted in me missing my target. I had intended to have my head even with hers but instead wound up quite a bit... lower. I also learned she slept topless and her... assets... were quite soft. No, bad mind. Clean thoughts only.

(Tassali)

Tassali shuddered as the soft skin of her assistant pressed against her chest. Warmth, blessed, life giving warmth washed over her and she quickly coiled around the much smaller human. When his legs were sufficiently cocooned she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him tighter again her chilled body. With him in optimum heat-transfer position she laid her chin on top of his head and slowly, ever so slowly, her shivering became less frequent and more occasional shuddering. She sighed as she shifted a bit.

 _So warm. Especially his face. It's probably the warmest part of him. Why is that? Whatever, I need more._

She wiggled around a bit and an idea came to her. Why not put her anatomy to use to ensure she could absorb more heat? More surface area contact equals more heat transfer, right? She figured it was worth a shot and hooked an arm under her chest and pressed her venom sacks up before pressing Timmothy's face in deeper with a sigh. Surprisingly, his face grew warmer and she heard an odd squeak like a mouse getting stepped on. Nevertheless, her calculations were flawless. With her venom sacks no longer affected by gravity there was more space to fit a human head resulting in more skin contact which transferred more heat. She had a nagging feeling she should be embarrassed but couldn't figure out why.

"T-Timmothy. I have the V-Viperian Inf-fluenza. It is s-similar to the so named 'flu' that humans get, but is non-communicable to humans. S-So don't worry about getting sick. I... I'm so cold. I f-formally request you bring me various items to w-warm myself. Understood?"

A muffled "mhm" was heard and she sighed before letting him go. She missed the warmth already. His face was beet red as he stumbled to his feet and staggered out of her room gasping for air and keeping his back to her. The door shut and she was left alone with her thoughts.

 _Why was his face so red? And why did he look so flustered? I only held him against my... oh... I forgot that human males... find the similar protrusions on female humans... erotic. Oh my... I just sexually harassed him._

(Timmothy's PoV)

I stood outside the door and panted as I waited for my "excitement" to die down. How was I supposed to know she'd try to make me motorboat her! Seriously! What the actual frick frack snick snack! Wait... oh you've got to be... SHE WAS PROBABLY MESSING WITH ME ON PURPOSE! Although... she seems to actually be sick. Great, now I gotta play nurse for sick snek.

I grumbled to myself as I walked to my room. I had an idea on how to keep her warm and then I'd need to get some soup or something. Maybe oatmeal, that stuff's warm. I reached my room and pulled a large, brown sweater out of my wardrobe. It had been a gift from my grandmother. Unfortunately she didn't know what size to get me so she got one big enough for Tassali to wear. It would look like a dress on me. I put it on and made my way to the cafeteria in search of warm tea and food for my patient.

Minutes later I was pushing a trolley with an extra pillow, blanket, and food on it towards the Commander's room. I opened the door and saw the shivering lump that was my boss. I pulled up the trolley and removed my sweater which was now toasty warm. I poked Tassali which prompted her to roll over and face me. She blushed when she saw me and stammered,

"T-Timmothy! I apologize for unintentionally sexually--"

"Sheesh, you must be sick. No way you'd ever apologize to me otherwise. Anyway, put this on."

I handed her the sweater which she immediately put on. As she did she shuddered and pulled the collar up a bit.

"It's so warm. How did you?"

"I wore it. Us Poinsett men run hot and dry."

She gave me a quizzical look and I rolled my eyes.

"I have an abnormal high body temperature and I don't sweat much."

She nodded before settling back into bed. I proped her up with a pillow and spread the extra blanket over her. She hummed as warmth seeped into her and her tail flicked slightly. I placed the tray of food in front if her and took a seat. She slowly began to eat the thick mush with trembling hands. Despite being warmer, she was still weak.

"How you holding up?"

She shivered slightly and groaned,

"I'm better than before. You have my appreciation for your assistance."

"Yeah, just give me a heads up before smothering me next time."

She blushed and looked down.

"I forgot you humans find the... chest of a female arousing. I apologize for the discomfort."

I waved it off.

"It's fine, even if it was a bit... spontaneous and uncomfortable... I can't exactly get mad about it... I MEAN... you were sick and desperate. I don't blame you... too much. You so owe me after you recover though."

She hissed in annoyance before crossing her arms.

"Fine. Although the question still stands, what am I going to do with all the time I have now?"

I sat bolt upright.

"I have just the thing! Be right back!"

(Author's note)

Sorry about the sporadic uploads, but I don't have as much time for writing as I wish I did. Anyway, I had to split this chapter so I could upload it today. I'll have part two out shortly. Thanks for reading!


	6. Chapter 5 (Part 2)

"So what is this you're showing me?"

"A movie."

"I understood that, but about what?"

"You'll see."

I sat down on the bed beside Tassali as I started up the movie. I had to use my chair to hold my console for gaming (and movies at the moment) so the bed was the only place to sit. Tassali hissed and said,

"At least tell me what this... 'Harry Potter' is."

I screwed my face up as I thought of how best to answer.

"Well, it started as a book series. Then they made movies about it! I really like them, so I figured I'd let you watch them too!"

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"If you like it it's bound to be stupid."

"Don't knock it till you try it."

I hit play and the movie began. Tassali started out looking apathetic but began to look more interested as it continued.

"How can they make their own kin sleep under the stairs!"

"Shh! Just watch!"

She grumbled and returned her attention to the screen. As it continued she began growing more intrigued.

"I don't understand. Why is he being sent so many letters? What are they--"

"Shh! Just watch!"

"Don't 'shh' me Timmothy. I might be sick but I can still kick your ass."

"Do you want me to turn it off!"

She clammed up. Eventually we reached the part where Hagrid tells Harry he's a wizard. I looked at Tassali as the scene approached. Her eyes were glued to the screen.

"Yer a wizard Harry."

She hissed and looked at me.

"I feel I've heard of that before? What is a wizard?"

"You'll find out."

She grew more enthusiastic as the movie progressed. Muttering when a character she didn't like appeared and hissing with satisfaction when someone she didn't like got a heaping load of humiliation. As the movie ended she grabbed my shoulders and held me so she could look me in the eye.

"Did you know that!? Did you see it coming that Quirrel was the villain!? I just... what happens next!"

"Calm down! I don't have the next movie with me! I can go get it if you--"

"Go! NOW!"

She shoved me off the bed and I rose to my feet, a smirk on my face.

"So much for it being--"

"Go!"

I turned and walked away. I was sure this was going to have unexpected consequences. Sure enough she insisted we watch each movie in the series. By number seven it was already night time and I was getting drowsy. My eyes hurt from the massive marathon yet Tassali refused to let me leave. As the movie ended I looked over at the clock. It was one a.m.

"Tassali, can't we just finish the series tomorrow?"

"Are you crazy? We only watched part one! We have to finish the series now!"

I groaned and shuffled over to change out movies. As the final movie played my eyes grew heavier amd heavier until I dropped off to sleep around two. By now the tiredness had reached Tassali and she was having trouble staying awake too. She barely even registered when I slowly fell over and landed with my head on her shoulder. Her subconscious desire for warmth led her to pull me under the sheets so she could lean into me and curl her tail around me as she layed her head on top of mine. Eventually she too fell asleep with the movie still playing.

(The Next Morning)

As she awoke, Tassali hummed with pleasure at the warmth seeping into her coils. She adjusted her grip and pulled the warm bundle closer before continuing to drows. I on the other hand, experienced an even stranger feeling. I was having a weird dream that a massive snake was hugging me and murmuring about how soft and warm I was. It was kinda odd. I mean, where would my brain even pull that from?

Tassali eventually became fully aware and looked down at what she was hugging. Upon seeing me she pulled away and shoved me off the bed. I woke up when my face connected to the floor.

"Wha- whoozat?"

"Oh. You're awake. You... fell off the bed."

I groaned and stood, still groggy. I yawned and said,

"Did we finish the movie?"

"No. We fell asleep. And now I'll have to change these sheets. They're probably crawling with your disgusting human germs."

"Says the one who's sick."

She grumbled as he left with a call of,

"I'm going to my room to change, shower, and grab us some food. Anything you want?"

"Toast will suffice."

I nodded and left, leaving Tassli with her thoughts.

(Tassali)

 _Curse my sickness addled brain. It tricked me into actually... enjoying holding him! So what if he's warm... and his skin is soft but not too soft... and he smells good... like pine trees and spices. And I definitely don't think holding him in my coils was the most comfortable I've ever been! What... stupid sick brain! I hate him! I... I just have to remind myself how much I dislike his stupid, handsome face!_

She blinked and hissed angrily at herself as she realized what she'd said.

 _I hate being sick. It's making me weak!_

Eventually Timmothy returned and set down the tray before restarting the movie.

"I figured we could finish it while we ate."

She nodded and returned her attention to the screen. She was tempted to pull him back under the covers so she could wrap her tail around him...

 _T-to squeezed him painfully of course!_

She crossed her arms and glanced at him.

 _As soon as I am well again, I will make him miserable again! I'll... I'll make him clean my quarters again! Except this time I'll get more clothes and make them nastier than before! Then I'll... I'll... I'll make him run laps for a... physical examination!_

An image of him running slow motion style and winking seductively at her caused her to blush. Wait...

 _STUPID WEAK BRAIN STOP ACTING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL WITH A CRUSH! I HATE HIM AND THAT'S FINAL!_

She looked over and saw he had set his food aside and was watching the movie. To cement her feelings she pushed him off the bed again.

"What was that for?"

"For sleeping in my quarters. You know how I can only stand so much of you before you annoy me."

He grumbled and sat back down. Tassali nodded. This was fine. She was fine. She still hated him... right?


	7. Chapter 6

With the movie done I decided it was time to switch it up a bit.

"So... what do you want to do?"

She shrugged.

"I don't know, do you have any more movies like those?"

"Uh... I have Lord of the Rings. You think you'd like them?"

She shot me an exasperated look. Oh yeah, she didn't know anything about it.

"I'll go get them."

As I walked back to my room I rubbed my sore ribs. It felt like something had bruised them slightly, but I couldn't tell what. With movies in hand I opened the door to Tassali's quarters. Inside Tassali was clutching a pillow to herself and breathed deeply.

"You okay?"

She started before hissing.

"My... headache has gotten worse."

"Need some pills or water? You have to stay hydrated when you're sick."

"No. Well, I'll take some water."

I nodded and made the trip to get two cups of water. I set them down and was about to start the movie when my phone rang. I looked at the display and groaned.

"Crap, I knew I was forgetting something."

"What?"

I held up my phone. The word "Mom" clearly displayed.

"I need to take this. Do you mind if I--"

"Fine. But hurry."

"Thanks."

I stood up and walked to the bathroom. As soon as the door closed Tassali picked the pillow back up and sniffed it before sighing.

 _It smells so good. Like his hair._

She took another whiff before hissing to herself.

 _Just because I like how he smells doesn't mean I don't hate him! I like how pure cinnamon smells but wouldn't eat it by itself!_

Meanwhile, as soon as I accepted call I heard,

"TIMMY! WHY DIDN'T CALL ME! YOU PROMISED TO CALL EVERY WEEK AND--"

The lecture went on and on and on until I finally said,

"Mom! I was busy with work. I got a promotion and I--"

"You got a promotion! Oh how wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Do you like it? How's the pay? Is your boss mean."

"Yes. Good. Still trying to figure out the last one."

"Well I'm glad you're happy. So... meet any nice girls?"

"MOM!"

"What! I want grandkids while I'm still young enough to enjoy them! And your brother isn't getting married anytime soon."

"How is James?"

"Oh, he's right here. I'll let you talk to him."

I heard faint talking and soon my brother's voice said,

"Hey! Little Timmy!"

"I hate that name."

"How's it going?"

"Fine."

"Cool. Any hot girls at work?"

"Only girl here is my boss."

"She young or old."

"Uh... young?"

"Ooh... she hot?"

"What!?"

"Cmon! Is she hot!"

"I don't know."

"How can you not know? It's pretty easy to figure out."

"It's... complicated."

"Well do you like how she looks?"

"Uh..."

I thought about it. Well... Tassali had a certain... attractiveness to her. Despite not being human. Her scales were a nice color and she had a great figure... I think. Oh heck. Am I getting the hots for a snake lady?

"I'm waiting."

"I think so."

"Oh, you sly dog you. So... you two had any 'business meetings' yet?"

"And this is why I don't talk to you."

"Calm down. I was joking. It's my job as your older brother to mess with you."

"Yippee. And can you think about something other then what's in your pants?"

"Maaaaybe. Anyway, Mom's getting tired of waiting. Bye!"

"Bye."

And then Mom was back. Basically a lot of "okay"s for a while until she finally stopped and I could get back to my boss. I walked into the room and saw Tassali had fallen asleep waiting. I sat down and looked at her. I might as well let her sleep. She needs rest after all.

She rolled over and her arm landed across my lap. Immediately she grabbed me and pulled me closer. After a brief struggle I was subdued with a full body wrap and her holding me around the middle. Great. She is so going to kick my ass when she wakes up. She adjusted a bit until my head was resting on her scaled belly and she was gently stroking my hair.

This is so embarrassing... and... kinda comfy. There was something about being all wrapped up that was like a full body hug crossed with a massage. Occasionally, her tail would squeeze gently before relaxing again. Must be some sort of subconscious thing, like grabbing me to get warm. So not looking forward to when she wakes up. How could this get any worse! She's going to beat me within an inch of my--

Shift again and now my face was back in her... in the original position from the first time she used me to get warm. Great, I jinxed it. Also... screw you James. You made me realize how sexy she was! I mean. It didn't take a rocket scientist to deduce that, but I'd just not put a lot of thought into it before. I mean, apart from the obvious, she also had some... appealing qualities. Not trying to sound like I'm objectifying my snake boss, but she had some wicked curves on her hips and-- why am I thinking about this?

Squeeze. Murmur. Snuggles me a bit closer. Oh yeah. That's why. Although given our respective heights it makes sense that I'd be in this position again. It does appear to be the position where she can most effectively coil around me. The end of her tail shifted and lazily wrapped around my neck. This was not going to end well.

(Author's note)

Wow, I need to get my butt in gear and write these faster. Sorry about the wait and sorry about this: I'm going to be going out of town in a little less than a week, so I probably won't be able to upload for two weeks. Yeah, it sucks. No wifi or reception where I'm going. Hope you're enjoying the story and yes... this was supposed to be a bit fan service-y. I just thought it would be funny. Anywho... Ciao!


	8. Chapter 7

Tassali awoke to find that yet again she was hugging Timmothy. Except, this time, he was awake. She froze as they locked eyes. They sat there in awkward silence for a while. Mainly due to where he was located. Finally Timmothy gulped and said,

"M-morning, Commander Tassali."

She kept staring, absolutely mortified.

"F-feeling better?"

"Timmothy."

He flinched and responded in a weak voice.

"Yes?"

"Did... did I grab you?"

He gulped and sunk down deeper into her coils, away from her face.

"K-kinda."

She carefully pulled her tail away and scooted away from him. She looked dead ahead as he gathered his courage.

"Tassali? Er, Commander Tassali?"

"Tassali is fine."

I nodded.

"Right. Uh... you okay?"

She crossed her arms.

"Timmothy. What do you think of me?"

I froze.

"Uh... what?"

"When you look at me. What do you feel. Because I feel like... you're afraid of me. That you find me... unnatural and... disturbing."

Oh sheesh, how do you respond to that.

"Uh..."

"There is no need to explain. I understand. I am, well, alien, to you."

"It's more that... you kinda have proved that... you... can easily hurt me... Very badly."

She hummed before sighing.

"I will be honest with you. When you first arrived, I really didn't like. I despised you. I wanted to make your life as miserable as possible. But... I have come to... enjoy your company. I hadn't realized how... lonely it was around here. I apologize for... harming you."

She wouldn't look me in the eyes. I spent a moment consumed with indecision before reaching over and patting her shoulder.

"It's fine. I forgive you. Maybe... let's be friends?"

She looked over at me before nodding and shaking my hand. I turned on the movie and sat down beside her. Judging by how stiff and still she was sitting, I could tell something was bothering her. And I had a suspicion as to what it was. She didn't want me to be scared of her anymore. I steeled my nerves before carefully picking up her tail and wrapping it around my back and draping across my legs. She looked over in shock and confusion.

"I figured, the best way to help me get over being... uncomfortable around you... was to... let you... touch me. You know, prove you're not going to do anything to me?"

She smiled a genuine smile.

"That suits me just fine. I quite enjoy your body heat."

I rolled my eyes as her tail adjusted so that it was lazily encircled around my waist.

"Yeah yeah, just try not to crush me by accident."

She squeezed me which caused me to jolt and smirked.

"I won't accidentally squeeze you. I'll just do it on purpose."

I won't lie. There was something oddly comfortable about having her coiled around me.

(Author's Note)

I'm really sorry about the short chapter but it's the best I could do. I'm going on vacation for a while and won't be able to upload. Upon returning I'll try to have longer chapters and possible have them out more frequently. I apologize for the (hopefully, unless something awful happens) brief hiatus.


	9. Chapter 8

Tassali was mostly happy with the change that occurred over the next few days. Timmothy was a bit more friendly and didn't mind as much about her wanting to use him to warm up, but Tassali still wasn't happy. Sure it was better, but she wanted... more. As much as she hated to admit it, she was beginning to like him in more than a friendly way. It had mainly started due to his constant care and sympathy during her sickness and been a simple friendship, but her desires were still not satisfied. She'd find herself purposefully dressing in more... revealing outfits whenever he was around. She constantly was watching him and waiting for the ideal moment to strike.

 _Maybe if I just randomly pounced on him and kissed him he'd become interested in me. No... that would probably scare him. This was so much easier when I was trying to hate him._

She sighed as she got into the shower.

 _Why did I have to get this... infatuation with him? How did it even happen?! Maybe if I ignore it, it'll go away. It's just a random infatuation, nothing more._

After quite some time being too sick to work, she was finally well enough to get back to her post. Although, she was disappointed that she hadn't "made a move" during that time. She constantly found herself in the middle of a more "close" moment and would be about to say something, when she would freeze up. She hated it. She hated being scared of something as seemingly small as attempting to romance her oblivious assistant. It wasn't fear of the act itself, but fear of messing up and ruining her chances altogether.

 _This is one of those times I wish I had learned how to flirt with males during my years as a neonate rather than trying to further my career. Lot of good that did, though. I'm still stuck in this backwater doing nothing but waiting and storing old supplies._

She donned her armor and slithered towards the main control room for a boring day of trying to further her standing in the military. Given how little she actually had to do, this was what she did while waiting for assignments from her superiors. Typically she would do this with focus and enthusiasm, but today she was distracted by a certain... issue. She looked over the monitors and stopped on one showing Timmothy making coffee in the cafeteria.

She smirked as she saw him struggling to lift a large box that was in his way. Suddenly, an idea came to mind. A clever and devious idea.

 _Rather than tell him I have developed a slight... infatuation. I'll make him tell me!_

(Timmothy's PoV)

I sighed as I finally finished fixing the coffee machine. It had taken a bit, but it had been worth it! Suddenly, my datapad chimed, signifying I had received a message.

 _I have received a report that some boxes need to be moved in Deep Storage 3. Please move them to the requested areas detailed in the map below. Should any prove too heavy to lift, feel free to request my assistance._

 _-Tassali_

I shrugged and headed for the noted room. After a brief trek, I was standing in the door and--

"Holy! ..."

I gaped at the large boxes before me, each one at least up to my chest in height. I moved forward and tried to lift one only to be met with failure. I moved about the room, hefting each crate in turn ,and low and behold, they were all too heavy. I sighed and pulled up my messaging app on my datapad and typed Tassali a message.

 _Uh... all these crates are too heavy for me to lift. I could use some help._

 _-Timmothy_

I waited a bit until the requested snake lady entered the room. She smirked at me and looked over the boxes. She slithered over and lifted one with ease before setting it down. As she returned she jokingly flopped one of her coils onto my head. The weight of said coil caused me to fall to the floor with the scaly appendage over my face.

Anyone who has ever pet a snake before knows that, despite being very muscular, there is typically a small layer of fat over this muscle which gives the tail some padding. I noticed before that Tassali had a bit more fat than the other snakes I'd pet making her tail very similar to a comfy beanbag chair. I laughed as the tail moulded around my face,muffling my voice.

"Dang it Tassali! Gef yer tail owf my fwace."

She hissed in laughter before using her tail to stand me up. I honestly was always surprised at how soft and smooth her scales were, especially as her tail inadvertently caressed my cheek in sliding off my shoulders.

"What, too weak to move my tail?"

"Oh shut it. Just because you have your disproportionate strength doesn't mean I'm weak."

She snorted before lashing her tail and knocking my legs out from under me. I landed in a large nest of coils that she'd formed mid-fall. Quite the effective cushion, I must say.

"See. Too weak to even stand. Will I have to cary you?"

I shrugged and reclined into my seat.

"I dunno, maybe. I might just take a nap. Your tail definitely is squishy enough to make a comfortable mattress."

She huffed.

"My tail is not 'squishy.' It is lean and muscular."

To prove my point I lifted a portion and poked it with my finger. My finger sunk into her scales quite a bit and drew a shudder and a gasp from Tassali. I gave her a funny look.

"What was that about? Wait..."

I pressed all five if my fingers in and gently massaged the underlying muscle. She stifled a groan as the tip of her tail twitched sporadically.

"Ooh... did I just stumble upon a weakness of the great Commander Tassali?"

"I-I don't know what your--"

She was cut off by me using both hands to rub her tail, a mischievous grin on my face. She shuddered before sighing and going limp, her tongue lolling out of her mouth as she closed her eyes in an expression of absolute bliss. I was barely able to contain my laughter as she moaned and moved a bit closer to me. I stopped laughing once she curled the rest of herself around me and rested her chin on my shoulder. She opened an eye and glared at me.

"If you don't keep on doing that, I'll leave you to clean up this place by yourself. Now, make with the massaging!"

I rolled my eyes before continuing.

"You're such a diva sometimes, you know that?"

(Author's Note.)

I climbed a large, very steep hill and then sat in the top of a massive Oak tree to get the reception necessary to type this on my phone. Hope you guys enjoy it!


	10. Chapter 9

As we ate breakfast the following morning, a random thought popped into my head.

"Hey, Tassali. You said you had been trying to humiliate me before we buried the hatchet, well, what were you trying to do?"

Tassali hummed as she chewed a bite of sausage.

"Well... I had planned on swapping your soap with something that would not only turn you a strange color, but would also protect your skin from the corrosive effects of my venom." She held up a claw to silence my question, "I would then wait until you were in the middle of the cafeteria to discreetly melt your clothes off. I figured you'd be so embarrassed you might actually die."

"So... basically a long, convoluted plot to pants me."

"To what?"

"Pants me. It's when you randomly pull someone's pants down around their ankles in public. You were basically doing that except with more steps."

She looked down before pulling a face.

"Well that's... kinda disappointing."

I reached over and patted her on the shoulder.

"Good effort though."

She nodded and we both moved to set our trays in the receptacle. As I walked away to get started on my various assignments, Tassali darted forward and pantsed me. I looked down in surprise as she slithered in front of me to give me a smug look. That look died as we both noticed that she'd been a little gung-ho. Rather than just my pants being around my ankles, my underwear were too.

"Tassali."

"...Yes."

I snapped my fingers and pointed to my face.

"Eyes up here please."

Her eyes snapped to mine and a slight blush suffused her face.

"I-I apologize! I didn't mean to--"

"Maintain eye contact."

She fixed her wandering gaze as I picked up my clothes and secured them again. Her face was very green (Vipers blush green by the way. If you're confused just remember that their blood is green.) as she grew more embarrassed and flustered. I took a calming breath to attempt to banish my own blush before walking past her, unable to look her in the face given I had no idea what to say. With me gone, Tassali blushed even harder and fanned her face slightly.

 _I hadn't imagined I'd see his... so quickly. Especially in this setting. I really hope he isn't too freaked out! Although... I personally didn't mind._

She snickered before heading to her post. As she got to work, a message appeared on her datapad.

 _Commander Tassali,_

 _A convoy will be arriving at your base in T- thirty minutes. They are here to pick up supplies stored at your position before continuing on their way. On board is a VIP who will be staying at your base while the supplies are loaded. Have your assistant ready to meet all possible needs._

Tassali perked up. Finally, something to do. She quickly typed up a memo that explained the situation and sent it to Timmothy before she set about reading what the convoy was here to pick up. Everything must go smoothly.

(Thirty Minutes Later)

Tassali and I stood waiting as the convoy approached. I have to admit, I was kind of nervous about playing butler to some random person. Would they be super annoying? Would they practically tell me to stand around and look pretty while they hung out? The suspense was killing me. The convoy stopped and the door to the main vehicle opened to reveal... a Viper.

Unlike Tassali, this Viper had blue scales with red patches and was wearing a skin tight vest that buttoned from top to bottom without actually covering her stomach. She nodded to Tassali before slithering over.

"Good afternoon, I am Reviva. I hear that your assistant is to be keeping me content until it is time for me to continue on my way?"

Tassali nodded slightly.

"That is correct. Although... I was not expecting a neonate to be the VIP."

Reviva smirked.

"I might be a neonate, but I am not much younger than you. Please refrain from assuming based on my scales."

Tassali narrowed her eyes but other than that didn't show any outward displeasure.

"Of course. I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

Reviva nodded and motioned for me to lead the way. I turned and led her inside as Tassali began to issue instructions to the troops that were to load the supplies. I led Reviva to a moderately sized room set apart for the sole purpose of accommodating visitors. It had a small bathroom, a bed, and a few other items for the visitor's comfort.

"So... anything I can get you?"

Reviva hummed and looked me up and down in an uncomfortably predatory way.

"I could definitely use some coffee."

I nodded and hurried from the room. As I prepared her beverage, Reviva accustomed herself to the various controls for the room before completely unbuttoning her vest and lounging seductively on the bed. I walked back in and immediately froze as she hit me with the bedroom eyes.

"Oh, there's my coffee. Wonderful. Please just set it on the nightstand and... have a seat."

Oh crap. Stranger danger! I tried to maintain a calm demeanor but I could tell I looked as nervous as I felt. Reviva gave me a lascivious smirk and patted the bed.

"Come now, I don't bite." She paused before adding with a wink, "Unless you like that sort of thing."

Yup, she scary. I did as commanded and sat on the edge of the bed. Although I made sure that I was in a position where I could make a dash for freedom should she try something. As I sat down, she stretched in such a way that her vest slipped off her torso completely before shrugging it off, leaving her completely naked. What I hadn't noticed was that while she was distracting me, she'd closed the door with a remote. She stretched again and moaned,

"Hours in the car really gets on my nerves. If only there was some way to... relieve some stress."

I gulped. I had to try to ensure this didn't go in the way she was steering it.

"How about a back massage?"

That way, I can quickly duck out of the way and make an escape should she try anything.

She hummed before smirking seductively.

"You know, that actually sounds ~wonderful~."

She rolled onto her stomach and glanced back at me.

"Make sure you get in there nice and ~deep~."

She practically purred the last word, making me even more uncomfortable. I steeled my nerves before reaching out and rubbing her back. She moaned and scooted a bit closer.

"Oh come on now, no need to be gentle. ~I'm a big girl, I can take it~."

WHY IS EVERYTHING SHE SAYS ODDLY SEXUAL!

I pressed down a little more while still staying alert. After a bit she rolled over and stretched out. I froze. Please, please please please please! Don't expect me to do what I think you want me to do.

"Well? Are you going to continue the massage?"

"On your... stomach?"

I barely managed to squeak it out which caused her to giggle. She looked at me with half lidded eyes and purred,

"I love the quiet, sensitive ones. They're always more submissive."

"I really think this is--"

My words turned into a sharp "eep!" as she grabbed my wrists and pressed my hands into her venom sacks. As she forced me to rub her "chest" she groaned in a blatant attempt to arouse me. It was unfortunately effective.

"Just give in. You know you want to."

"I-I really don't want... isn't this kinda--"

"Oh please. You're not the first assistant I've seduced. I've bedded hundreds of males from all across the world. It's a great way to relieve stress and get some exercise."

"But I really don't want to have my first be--"

"Oh! You're how old and still have your V-card? Well, now I'm doing you a favor."

Before I could react she swung me over and rolled on top of me. She pressed down against me before sniffing my neck. She pulled up and placed a finger over my lips.

"Don't say anything. Just let me do the work."

I tried to squirm out from her coils but she had me held tight. She licked her lips before growling in a husky voice,

"Now, it's time for a bit of hands on learning. Today I'm going to give you in-depth examples of Viper mating and reproduction. Pay close attention and I'll give you a special ~reward~."

I DON'T WANT THIS! I DON'T WANT THIS! SOMEBODY HEEEELP! Is what I would have said if she wasn't keeping me from talking with her surprisingly strong claw.

And, like a scale covered angel from the heavens, Tassali opened the door. She froze as she took in what she was seeing and I managed to move my head to give her a frantic look.

"TASSALI! SAVE ME!"

She instantly sprung into action grabbing Reviva and pulling her off of me. She pulled me behind her and defensively wrapped her tail around me. Reviva gave Tassali a bored look before saying,

"What is it? If you hadn't noticed I was in the middle of something."

"I was just coming to tell you that everything was almost loaded, but I'm glad I came when I did."

Reviva rolled her eyes and smirked.

"Why? You want to be the one to claim his V-card? If so then you really have to work harder. He's been here for how long and you still haven't gotten any fun out of him? I'd heard you were a stick in the mud, but that's just depressing."

Tassali hissed and squeezed me a bit tighter. Not that I was complaining, squeeze me all you want my knight in scaly armor! Just please don't let her rape me!

"There is a difference between intercourse with the other's consent and raping someone."

Reviva scoffed.

"Oh please. He's a human, there are millions more like him all over this planet."

Tassali pulled me a bit closer and glared at Reviva.

"I highly doubt I'll find another human even close to Timmothy. Whereas I could find someone like you on any street corner."

Reviva's eyes flashed dangerously.

"You might want to watch what you say! I'll gladly thrash you and then take your assistant while you're forced to watch."

"Put your clothes back on and get out of my base you hussy!"

They glared at eachother before Reviva grabbed her vest and slithered towards the door. She paused before looking straight at me.

"This is your last chance. I still feel like having some fun, especially now that this witch has destroyed my good mood. You can join me in the convoy if you wish. I still know that what you're trying to keep buried inside is dying to break out."

Now I was ticked at her even more for badmouthing my boss/friend. I flipped her off and yelled,

"I'd rather stick my dick in an anthill!"

She hissed before disappearing from sight. With her gone Tassali turned to me and looked me over with concern.

"Are you alright? She didn't actually have time to do anything did she?"

"No. You were just in the nick of time."

She sighed in relief before pulling me into a hug.

"I apologize for unintentionally putting you into that circumstance. If there's anything I can do to--"

"You kidding? You saved my butt! I'm supposed to be thanking you!"

She blushed and nervously fidgeted with her claws.

"It was nothing. Although... you've never... been with someone?"

I shook my head.

"Nah, I only recently got back in shape. I was a fat nerd all through school so I've never even kissed a girl!"

Tassali blushed and rubbed her arm.

"Oh... so the same as me... Except I was just too busy trying to get promotions."

With the danger of getting bonked by a slutty snake lady over, I went limp in Tassali's embrace and groaned before rubbing my eyes.

"Holy crap I need a vacation."

Tassali sighed.

"I honestly might just take a vacation after this fiasco. Goodness knows I have enough vacation days saved up."

"Wait, how many do you have?"

"Well I started working at fifteen, get three weeks of paid vacation a year, have never taken any days off for the past seven years... so about twenty-one weeks or... approximately five months."

...how do I get that job?

(Author's Note)

Many apologies for how late this was. I got back from camping and was tired and a little sick. So not only did I lack the motivation to write, I also got hit with mild writer's block due to it. Needless to say that I felt insanely guilty for leaving you all hanging. Welp, here it is! Enjoy! And will these two lovebirds actually get together already?!


	11. Chapter 10

(Midnight: Tassali's Room)

Tassali couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned but still couldn't relax.

 _What if she was right and I'm not putting in enough effort? What if the next person who comes through swoops in and steals him away from me?! I have to try harder! But how?_

She moved to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She scrutinized every detail of her face and body before groaning.

"Who am I kidding. He's never going to find me desirable. I'm a massive, scaly, extraterrestrial and he's a human. I doubt all the alcohol in the world could make me look pleasant enough to him to want to take as his mate."

She scowled before drawing back and opening her mouth, allowing her fangs to extend from their resting position on the roof of her mouth. She closed her mouth before flickering her long, whiplike tongue.

"I'm just fooling myself by attempting to entice him. If Reviva, who I begrudgingly admit is much more attractive than me, wasn't even slightly appealing to him, why would he want something like me for a mate."

She locked eyes with her reflection's crimson, slitted eyes and sighed.

"And I had to go and make him afraid of me when he first arrived. It was so much easier when I hated him."

She begrudgingly returned to her bed and attempted to sleep. Unfortunately, sleep continued to remain out if reach until her alarm went off signaling the start of the day. She crawled out of bed and wearily made her way to the cafeteria for some much needed coffee.

(Timmothy's PoV)

I had just gotten my breakfast when Tassali slithered in I waved to her as I drank my coffee. And boy howdy, I needed my coffee after that nightmare of a day yesterday.

"Mornin' Tassal...i?"

As Tassali sat down across from me, I noticed the distinct "exhausted" look she was going for. Dark circles under her eyes, glazed expression, slow movement, the whole shabang.

"You doing alright?"

"I'm fine."

I gave her a disapproving look.

"I'm basically clueless when it comes to everything, but even I can tell that's a lie."

"I said I was fine!"

I backed off. Apparently this was one of those "something's the matter but I won't actually tell you" I'm fine's rather than a "I want you to ask me because I want attention" I'm fine's. I shrugged and returned to my breakfast.

"So, what's on the agenda today?"

Tassali yawned before grunting.

"I'll send you a list in a bit."

And with that, she left.

Later, I received a short list of tasks which I quickly completed. In fact, it was so short that I was done by lunch. Given no further assignments were apparently coming, I spent the day playing video games. This trend continued for the next two days with Tassali looking worse and worse until one morning she didn't show up for breakfast. I received no word from her which was very troubling.

Once dinner rolled around and I still hadn't seen or heard from her, I decided to find her. Something was up, and she was going to tell me, like it or not. I made my way to her room and knocked on her door. I didn't hear a response so I unlocked it with my keycard and entered.

Usually Tassali's room was clean and organized. Now it wasn't. Dirty clothes littered the floor and it was very dark and dingy. I spotted the form of Tassali curled up in her bed and tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She groaned and said,

"What are you doing here."

"Looking for you. Something's up and I want to know what's wrong."

"I'm fine. Go away."

I grabbed her arm and dragged her out of bed. She hissed before jerking her arm away.

"Would you cut that--"

"Tassali, go take a shower. I can tell you've been living in your bed for the past three days."

"It's none of your--"

"Tassali. Go. Take. A. Shower."

I gave her a cross look and she relented with a hiss. She feebly slithered to the bathroom and closed the door. With her getting cleaned up I set about picking up the clothes and removing her sheets so I could wash them. Once that was taken care of I turned on the lights and started to deep clean her room. It was a mess, but I was her personal assistant and I couldn't let this stay. With her room back in proper condition and the shower still running, I went to the closet and grabbed some clothes for her to wear. I heard the shower shut off so I took that as my sign to give Tassali her clothes. I knocked on the bathroom door before opening it slightly and shoving the same brown sweater I'd given her through the crack.

"Put this on."

"I don't see why--"

"Shut it and get ready."

I heard a bored sigh before the sweater was tugged out of my grasp. After a few seconds the door opened again to reveal Tassali, still looking like death but at least she smelled better. She gave her room a blank look before I grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the door. She frowned.

"What are you--"

"Getting you out of your room."

I dragged her all the way to the small break room before leaving her alone.

"Stay here. I'll be back in a bit."

Tassali just sighed before I turned and left. It didn't take me long to gather what I needed and return. I found Tassali still listlessly sitting on the couch, and I promptly sat down beside her and handed her the bowl of ice cream I'd gotten her. She looked it over before attempting to hand it back.

"I'm not hungry."

"You haven't eaten much for days."

"I don't want to eat."

"Eat the dang ice cream before I force feed it to you."

She huffed before sullenly picking at her food. I waited a bit to let her eat before asking,

"So what's going on."

She growled before grumbling,

"Nothing. I'm completely fine."

"Bull. I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's eating you."

"Like you can stop me."

"I'm assuming you've spent the last three days in bed not eating? I'm pretty sure even I can overpower you now."

"I told you I don't want to talk about it!"

"And I'd normally let it slide, except you're killing yourself over this!"

"I really don't want to tell you."

"Why?"

"Because... because... it's complicated."

"So explain it!"

"But I don't think you'll react well to this."

"Try me."

"I don't want to risk--"

"Tassali, as your friend and assistant, I'm begging you. Please, trust me."

She bit her lip before setting down her bowl. She crossed her arms and sighed.

"I just don't know how to tell you."

I grabbed her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Just try."

She looked over at me before sniffing.

"That's the problem."

"What is?"

"This. You. I just... I know you won't... but I still just..."

"What? What am I doing wrong?"

"It's not like that! It's that... it's that... I... I have... I'm..."

I scooted a bit closer and wrapped my arm across her shoulders and said,

"What's wrong?"

She bit her lip and looked away.

"Promise you won't mind?"

"Oh please. I highly doubt it will bother--"

"I'm in love with you."

I foze. Did she just... say she was... in love with me.

"You're... what?"

She looked away and rubbed her shoulder.

"I said... I was in love with you. But I know you'll never feel the same about... someone like me."

So that's why she's been like this. She's love sick. To be honest I didn't actually see this coming and... I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's not that she wasn't nice and all it's just... she isn't... human. I mean, the obvious stuff aside, how would my parents and siblings react if I brought home a massive snake lady. But...

"Uh... I'm not sure what to say."

She sighed and continued looking away.

"That's why I didn't want to tell you. It's just going to complicate things and ruin the friendship we barely started."

She rose and started to slither away.

"I'll just see myself out."

Before she could reach the door I came to a decision. I ran forward and grabbed her hand.

"Tassali, wait!"

She looked back in surprise which I used to catch her eye.

"Tomorrow at dinner. It's a date."

She froze in surprise and I slipped out the door. Honestly, I was just as surprised I did that as she was. I had just asked out my boss. Who was a large, reptilian alien. But... it didn't feel right to just dismiss her feelings without giving her a chance. And... I didn't know how I felt about her either. Who knows, maybe... I would return her feelings? Whatever's the case, tomorrow's going to be interesting.

(Author's Note)

I bet a lot of you were thrown for a loop by last chapter. Yes, it was a bit more serious than my other chapters and that was for a reason. No, it's not changing from a cute, lighthearted story to some gritty smut-fest. I just needed a catalyst to get the romance started. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter 'cause the next one is the big date.


	12. Chapter 11

"I have no idea what I'm doing! What do I wear? What do I say? What do I do!?"

Tassali nervously looked over the clothes in her closet. Should she wear this? Maybe it was too revealing? Or not revealing enough!? That was a thing, right? She groaned,

"I see no other choice but to ask someone with more... experience than I."

She reluctantly pulled out her datapad and messaged her old friend.

 _Hey, Gwen. I have a favor to ask._

 _O? What do you need?_

 _I need advice about a date._

 _YOU GOT A DATE!?_

 _Yes. You've been on more than me so I need your help._

 _K first what he like._

Tassali thought for a bit before replying.

 _He's very sweet and funny. Also I find him cute._

 _Oooooo ;) so what you looking for in a guy?_

 _Please explain._

 _Do you like him because he's nice or because you think he's hot._

 _A bit of both._

 _So I'm guessing you're looking for and have found some little guy you can snuggle with and watch sappy movies._

 _I guess. How should I dress? How should I act?_

 _Well it depends on what he thinks. If you think he doesn't feel comfortable with you wearing something sexy on your first date don't scare him off. Although if you're just trying for a hookup than I sent you a black dress that would work._

 _No. I want this to work out._

 _Ooooo getting serious already? He must be something special to have this affect on you._

 _Whatever. So I know what to wear now, how should I act? Should I be flirty? Sophisticated? Downright seductive? I've heard you talk about all of those so which one!?_

 _Uh... those were all for hookups. Just be you. If he likes you enough to go out with you, you're doing something right._

 _Thank you._

 _No prob;) tell me how it goes._

 _I will. Thank you._

Tassali took a calming breath and set aside her datapad.

"Alright. Now to decide what to wear."

She looked back over her dresses and hummed nervously. Be herself... be herself... at the moment that sounded like the hardest thing in the world to do. She picked a dress and set it on the bed.

"I wish I knew what his favorite color was. He's probably having a much easier time than I am."

(Timmothy's room)

"OH HECK WHAT AM I DOING!?! WHY'D I AGREE TO THIS! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE HER THAT WAY!"

I tried to calm down before flopping onto my bed.

"Ugh... I need some advice."

I picked up my phone and called Dad. Surely he would have some useful advice.

"Hey Tim! What's going on?"

"Dad, I need some advice."

"Shoot."

"Well... A... person I work with recently told me they have... romantic feelings for me. I decided that the nice thing to do would be to at least give them a chance so I agreed to a date. But... I don't know if I like this person that way. I mean, the main reason I agreed was because I didn't want them to be upset."

"Hmm... so tell me about this person."

"Well... uh... you see..."

"Son, be honest with me."

"Huh?"

"You've been oddly evasive about describing this person."

"Well Dad, you see--"

"Are you gay?"

I paused as I let that sink in. My Dad mistook that for shock and sighed.

"I saw this a mile away. You've always been a bit... different. Now... I don't exactly support your... decision. But I'm still your father and I still love you, no matter what your... preferences are."

I heard my brother shout from the background.

"I told you he likes sausage! Boom! Called it!"

"Wait, why's he still at your house?"

"His home burned down when some idiot threw a cigarette butt onto his porch. Somehow the embers from the cigarette caught and now he's waiting for his insurance to take care of it."

"Oh... that's... not good. And hey! I'm not gay! The person is a she!"

"Mhm, sure. You don't need to lie."

"I swear Dad."

"Well you've got to admit you are a bit... fruity at times."

"If you're not going to give me advice then just hang up so I can try to get ready."

"Fine fine. My advice to you is this. They already like you, so don't try to be someone you aren't. And don't dress like a slob! Wear something nice and be a gentleman. That's about it."

"Thanks Dad. I'll call you and Mom later."

"Alright, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and looked through my clothes. I pulled out a nicer pair of grey pants and a button down. Hopefully this would do for an outfit, but when it came to how I should just "be myself' I had no idea what to do! In theory It sounded easy, but how do you force that through your crippling anxiety and fear!?!

(That evening.)

I anxiously waited outside Tassali's door. Hopefully she'd be out soon so that my anxious anticipation could go away. I mean, I was a mix between scared to death and incredibly nervous. Soon the door opened and Tassali came out.

She was wearing a nice dress of red fabric and appeared to be as nervous as I was. I gulped,

"Uh... you look nice."

"T-thank you. You... look nice too."

We just kinda stood there for a bit before I cleared my throat.

"Uh... wanna head down for food? I mean dinner?"

"Yes... let's."

We made our way to the cafeteria with an awkward silence hanging between us like a funeral shroud made entirely of uncomfortable fan art. We sat down and each looked anywhere but at eachother. I guess the same thing was running through both of our heads.

"WHAT THE HECK DO I DO!?"

We silently picked at our food. After a bit I decided to try to start a conversation.

"So... uh... nice... weather we're having?"

"Yes... it is nice weather... I think."

That was a flop. Maybe if I chose a different subject.

"Uh... do you... like video games?"

"I've never played one."

"Oh... do you want to?"

"Uh... maybe? I don't know."

We lapsed back into awkward silence. I have a feeling even alcohol couldn't fix this. Soon we had eaten and were just sitting there. I twiddled my thumbs as Tassali stared at the glass of water she was drinking. After a bit we both stood and exited the room. We stood in the hallway before I coughed.

"Uh... this was... fun?"

"Oh... yes. It was."

"Um... I'll... I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yes indeed."

I waved before turning and walking away. Once in the safety of my own room, I practically tore my pants off and hung them and my shirt back in the closet. I groaned and slammed my head into the wall.

"That was awful! I mean, I was so awkward and weird! 'Nice weather we're having'? What am I? A bad 80's Rom-Com?"

I groaned before getting into the shower. I felt dirty after that horrendous display of my lack of social graces. I hope Tassali doesn't go back to trying to kill me after this.

(Tassali's room)

"What was I doing! I sssscrewed it all up! I was like a deer in the headlightssssss! He definitely doessssssn't like me now! Why am I like thisssss!"

She they herself onto her bed and shoved her face into her pillow. Frustrated anger at herself welling up deep within her very core. She flipped over before getting up and slithering around her room.

"Sssstupid! SSSSTUPID! SSSSSSSSTUPID!!!!"

She smacked herself in the face a few times before crumpling to the floor and pulling her blankets over her to hide her sobbing.

(Breakfast)

We both looked like crap the next morning. Tassali wasn't even in her armor, she was just wearing a simple green tank top. As we silently ate our breakfast, I looked up and said,

"I'm sorry about last night."

Tassali sighed.

"No. It's okay. It's my fault anyway. I shouldn't have just sprung my feelings on you like that. I know you don't find me desirable. And who can blame you. I'm a massive snake, not one of your species females."

"But I'm the one who made it super awkward! I mean, I asked about the weather and wouldn't talk at all. And Tassali, you shouldn't sell yourself short like that. You're a really great lady. It's just... I suck at stuff I'm not familiar with. So don't beat yourself up over my stupidity."

Tassali kept looking down at her food.

"You aren't repulsed by me?"

"No! I'm just a total blockhead who obviously sucks at first dates!"

Tassali gave me a pointed look.

"Really? I find that hard to believe. What aspect of myself is even slightly desirable? Name five."

It took me about five seconds before I started listing things off.

"Well, the way you act all tough but actually are a total softy I find endearing. You're surprisingly funny at times. You're protective of medespite us not being very close and I appreciate that. I think your scales are a nice shade of amber which is one of my preferred colors. You have this adorable way of scrunching your face all up when embarrassed, like you're doing now!" I laughed before adding, "Your tail makes a comfortable chair and a surprisingly nice blanket. You have good hygiene. You give me impossible jobs just so you can spend time with me."

Tassali smirked.

"When's the part where you talk about liking my venom sacks."

I spluttered as she started hissing with laughter.

"Hey! Don't be like that!"

"Oh? So you don't like them?"

"Don't ask me questions I can't safely answer!"

"But I thought males loved a lady with an ample chest."

"Now you're just being a brat."

She winked at me before using a claw to pull down the collar of her shirt.

"Am I? Or am I genuinely curious?"

She gave me a flirtatious look before she started dying laughing.

"Your face is as red as my eyes!"

I soon followed suite until we both paused and looked at eachother for a bit. Now that I'd actually had to think about it. There was a whole lot I did like about her. Also she was surprisingly attractive but that's besides the point. Oh screw it.

"Hey, uh, Tassali."

"Yes?"

"Uh..."

What do I say? How do I express my acceptance of her feelings and reciprocate my own?

"Wanna make out?"

She froze and looked at me as I felt heat rush to my cheeks. Oh heck, why brain! Why! Before I could so much as blink she was grabbing me and pulling me towards the couch. She didn't wait before coiling tightly around my lower half and pressing herself against me so we were eye level.

As we landed on the couch she grabbed my head with both hands and pressed her lips to mine. After a moment of shock I followed suit. We didn't get much work done that day.

(Author's Note)

I am so sorry it took so long but this chapter was hard to write. I was originally going to have the date go well and it be a romantic first kiss thing, but I decided against it. Not only was this funnier (in my opinion) but it also isn't as common a scenario. Usually it is that both characters are supper suave and nail the first date, but why not have them both screw it up? I hope you all liked it!


	13. Chapter 12

Tassali and I sat awkwardly at the foot of her bed. We had rushed to her room with the plan of... you know... "quality time," but we kinda didn't. I mean, were we supposed to? Or were we supposed to wait a bit? I'd heard it all sorts of ways. "Wait till you're engaged!" "Wait till marriage!" "Wait until the third date!" But I wasn't sure which was the preferred one... and neither did Tassali. We had gotten as far as her taking her shirt off and me only wearing my pants, but then we had both thought it over a bit.

"So um... should we wait a bit?"

"That... seems wise. I've heard that rushing things can lead to complications."

I nodded before turning to her.

"So... uh... what exactly are we?"

She gave me a confused look.

"Are we dating or just... friends with benefits. Cause I kinda want to know."

She tapped her claws together as she answered.

"Well... would you be okay with us... dating?"

"Definitely. I just didn't know if you, you know, wanted that."

"I... I would."

I nodded and she smiled.

"But... now that we're in a relationship I get to snuggle you as much as I want?"

"I guess."

Quick as lightning she had me wrapped up in her tail with my back against her torso. She immediately pressed my head under her chin and cooed.

"You're so soft and warm. I could hold you forever."

"Aww... that's sweet."

"And much more handsome than a space heater."

"Aaaaand not so much."

"What? I find you much more attractive than a machine. Isn't that enough."

"You don't typically compair people to appliances."

She huffed before running her claws through my hair.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I've always wanted to do. Why you humans have fur on your heads is beyond me."

"Hair. We have hair on our heads."

She rolled her eyes before hugging me a bit tighter. We sat that way for quite some time before she sighed.

"We should probably get to work."

I looked at the clock before coughing.

"Uh... a little too late. It's past lunch."

She gasped before immediately throwing her shirt back on and grabbing me. She dragged me through the halls before we arrived at the main control room. She dropped me before hurriedly looking through any new messages she received. I dusted myself off as she sighed in relief.

"Nothing. What a relief."

"Hooray."

She turned back to me and sheepishly grinned.

"Hehe... sorry."

I stuck my nose in the air in mock resentment. She giggled before using her superior height to plant a kiss on me. Dang it now I can't even pretend to be mad at her. Suddenly, something occurred to me for when we did... you know.

"Uh... Tassali?"

"Yeeeeees?"

"For future reference... Are humans and vipers, you know, compatible?"

She gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?"

"Like... if I were to... you know... uh... if we... when we... you know... did it. Would you get pregnant? Are humans and vipers able to... do that?"

She blushed a bit before coughing.

"Well... that's one of the reasons why we vipers were so keen on reaching this planet. My species... uh... no longer... has males. We had resorted to engineering... seed... to reproduce. But we learned that human and viper genetics are similar enough to... mate. The offspring aren't the same as I am, they tend to be smaller and lighter in color. If you were to see a younger Viper you'd notice that this reduced size is most noticeable in tail length. So, yes, we can have children."

She went wide eyed and quickly added,

"Erm... I'm not saying I'm expecting you to! I know that's a lot of commitment at the start of--"

I laid a hand on hers.

"Relax. I was just asking. No need to get so freaked out."

She nodded before getting back to work. Soon, dinner rolled around and I accompanied Tassali back to her room. As I turned to leave she quietly mumbled a bit.

"Huh?"

"Would it be alright if we... slept together? Not in the sense of 'sleeping together' sleeping together! But actually... sleeping with eachother."

I looked from her nervous face to the floor a bit before sighing.

"Alright. I don't see why not."

She breathed a sigh of relief before we each got ready for bed. As we laid pressed up against eachother, Tassali's voice rang out in the darkness.

"About... earlier. Would you want to have children with me?"

Uh... how am I supposed to answer that!

(Author's Note)

Ugh! I feel such guilt! I wanted this to be three times its length, but it was taking so long I chopped this off so you'd at least know I was still alive. Sorry, but with how busy school has made me, uploads are gonna be a bit slower now. Once again, my most sincere apologies. Hope you liked the chapter though!


	14. Chapter 13

I was sitting in a large chair when the doorbell rang. I continued to read the paper while stroking my mustache as I called,

"Honey, could you get that?"

"No. I'm busy at the moment."

I sighed before walking down the hall and to the door. As I opened it I was greeted by the faces of my parents.

"Mom?! Dad!?"

My Mom nodded.

"Yup! We're here to invade your privacy and embarrass you by digging farther than necessary into your personal life!"

"Uh..."

Tassali had suddenly moved behind me and said,

"Who's this?"

"Oh! Uh... my parents."

My Mom and Dad gasped before saying,

"You're in a relationship with THAT! How disgusting!"

My Dad shook his head.

"Timmothy, we're disowning you--"

"And suing you--"

"And having you separated from your girlfriend and cryogenically frozen for future experimentation."

"Mom! Dad! How is that even fair!"

"Life isn't fair! And nobody loves you!"

I scoffed.

"That's not true. I'm pretty sure Tassali--"

"I'm leaving you. This has been a real eye opener for me. I now realize how clingy, socially awkward, needy, and pathetic you really are."

"What?! No! B-but I thought-- Why would you-- THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

I awoke with a gasp and sat bolt upright. My sudden motion had awoken the large Viper who had been holding me and she groggily asked,

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing. Just a weird dream."

She hummed before getting comfortable again. I stayed sitting upright with a portion of her tail on her lap. I had so many worries running through my head that I couldn't even think of going to sleep. I heard a sigh and soon Tassali had moved to sit next to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and rested her chin on my head.

"What's eating you?"

I bit my lip before asking,

"Do you think I'm... weird?"

She laughed.

"Of course you're weird. That's one of your best qualities."

"I mean weird like... awkward and... clingy and... needy?"

She thought about it for a bit before shrugging.

"I don't know. Do you think you're bizarre?"

Well... I was dating a massive serpentine alien, and I was currently snuggling her large tail that could crush me with ease like a security blanket.

"To be honest... yeah. I think I'm weird."

"Well that's a good thing then. Being 'normal' would be pretty boring wouldn't it? If everyone was exactly the same, the world would be a lot less interesting."

"Yeah... I guess you're right. Normal is just a setting on the washing machine."

She giggled before licking my cheek with her long, prehensile tongue, which evoked a shiver from me.

"I will never get used to that."

"Hmm... I know. But you look so cute when I do it."

"Tssh. Thanks for that."

She moved so she was in front of me and looked me in the eyes.

"Aww... are you mad at me?"

I sniffed and said with mock disdain,

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Well I know how to make you like me again."

She pulled me into a kiss and lowered us both back into a lying position. After she pulled away a bit, she yawned before pulling me against her stomach.

"Ready for tomorrow?"

"You mean the beach vacation we've been planning for weeks now? Heck yeah."

She hummed and started running her claws through my hair, lightly scratching my scalp.

"I've never been to the beach, so this should be an interesting experience."

"Well the cottage we rented has private beach access so we'll have a nice bit of ocean all to ourselves."

"Mmmm... I can't wait to go sunbathing. I bought a bikini specifically for such an occasion."

I froze, a slight heat forming in my cheeks. She snickered upon noticing my flushed face.

"Oh yeah. The skimpiest bikini I could find. Imagine, I've just finished swimming so I lounge on the sand, my scales shining from the salt water as I soak up the sun's warmth."

"Dibs on rubbing sunscreen on you."

"...Sunscreen?"

"Yeah. You rub it on yourself so you don't get burned when you're tanning."

"...Tanning?"

Oh... she has scales rather than skin.

"It's a human thing."

"Hmm... well then I'll have to try it. Wouldn't want to miss out on the full experience."

"And you like my massages."

"Hmm, that too."

I yawned before moving a bit to lie more comfortably.

"Goodnight, Tassali."

"Goodnight, Timmothy."

(The Next Morning)

We had gotten all packed up and were about to board the cruiser when I remembered something.

"Crap! Give me a second!"

Before Tassali could say anything, I was running towards my old room. I threw open the door and kneeled beside the bed so I could scoop up the package beneath. It was almost finished. I just needed one thing before it was ready. Once I'd hid it in my pocket to be transferred into my suitcase, I made my way back to Tassali. She gave me a questioning look to which I replied,

"I left a light on in our room."

She nodded before we both boarded the transport and made our way to the beach.

(Later that afternoon)

The trip had been quite fast, but boring all the same. I stifled a yawn as we stood before the door to our little cabana. Nearby, the waves could be heard pounding on the beach. Tassali flicked her tongue out and said,

"The air here... it's salty."

"Yeah. That's because of the ocean... Wait, have you never been to the ocean before?"

She shook her head.

"Most of my time has been spent inland. I've never been to a beach."

"All the more reason this vacation was necessary."

Upon opening the door, we took a brief tour of the building before setting our trunks down in the bedroom. Tassali gushed as she looked at the maritime themed decore.

"It's so pleasant! I might have to redecorate when we get back."

"Heh, go crazy. Anyway, wanna hit the beach?"

She sniffed.

"No. I came here to sit inside and watch television."

"...Great. You're picking up my sarcasm."

She smiled sweetly and rubbed part of her tail against my legs.

"I know how fond of it you are. I figured that I might as well adapt."

With a smirk I stepped over her tail and started to dig through my suitcase for my swim trunks. I carefully buried my package as I did. I am so sneaky.

"Alright, let's get changed."

"Okay, I call the bathroom."

"What? Why?"

She sniffed.

"I have a sense of decency you know."

"I've seen you naked before!"

"Those few circumstances were different. I now sleep with a shirt on."

I grumbled as she grabbed a bag and closed the door to the bathroom. I quickly changed and headed to the kitchen for some water. I had just put the bottle back in the fridge when I heard Tassali's voice from behind me.

"Well, what do you think?"

I turned and...

"Sweet Sister Francis..."

When she'd said she was getting a skimpy bikini, I hadn't expected this. She was wearing one of "those" swimsuits. You know, the ones specifically designed to make your boobs look bigger by pushing them up and showing them off. It was bright green and very, very, very...

"Well? How does it look?"

I gulped.

"I have the dang sexiest girlfriend ever."

She blushed before winking at me.

"I see your exercises have been paying off."

I looked down then back up. It was true, I'd been secretly working out to try to surprise her. No! It's not because I felt inadequate compared to her perfect physique! I just figured it was about time I take my physical health seriously... Shut up.

"You knew?"

She nodded. I deflated slightly.

"Aww... I wanted it to be a surprise."

She looped a coil of her tail around my back and pulled me into a hug.

"Oh, I'm surprised alright. At how much of a hunk you are."

She made a quiet growling noise before smacking my butt and slithering out the door.

"Hey!"

"Come on. I wanna see your cute little tushy in the water before I go sunbathing. And you'd better hurry or I'm not letting you rub sunscreen on me!"

"Oh sheesh. That sort of stuff is supposed to happen much later in the relationship... Dang it, I'm totally whipped, aren't I?"

(Author's Note)

And here's a chapter for you! I'll probably be forced to write sporadically from now on, but I'm hoping to upload a chapter every weekend. Just wanted to let you know. Also, sorry that the length of the chapters has dropped somewhat. I just don't have time to write long chapters anymore. Hope you like'd it! And I'll see you... next chapter.


	15. Chapter 14

I sat patiently as Tassali looked over the list of various restaurants in the area. After an afternoon on the beach we were both pretty hungry. But now the age old dilemma had set in.

"So... what _type_ of food do you want to eat?"

Tassali tapped her chin thoughtfully before replying.

"Well... what do you want to eat?"

"I'm fine with basically anything. The question is where you want to eat."

"But I don't know what I want to eat."

I looked at the list before pointing at one.

"Do you want Mexican? There's a taco place not far from here."

"No... I don't think Mexican agrees with my stomach."

I scoffed before mumbling,

"It does that to everyone."

"What was that?"

I looked at the list before selecting another option.

"Burgers?"

"No. Too greasy."

"Mediterranean?"

"I don't like olive oil... or olives."

"Italian?!"

"I don't really feel in the mood for pasta right now. Also I'd eat too many breadsticks."

"Pizza?"

"We can get pizza all the time. We should get something different."

"Chinese?"

"I always eat way too many leftovers when I get Chinese food."

"Pancakes?"

"I want something savory, not sweet."

"I guess that rules out ice cream."

"We'll get it later on, don't you worry."

I rolled my eyes before continuing.

"Brazilian steak house?"

"Too much meat."

"Sushi?"

"Too little meat."

"Me?"

"I don't feel like having to get two meals because one is too small."

...Ouch. I crossed my arms and looked away as she hissed in laughter. She stopped and gave me a confused look as I glared at her.

"N-not that I want to eat you or anything."

"I was checking if you were actually paying attention or just saying no to everything on purpose... Wait, that's something you'd say if you _wanted_ to eat me."

"...Noooooooo."

"Holy crap you actually want to eat me!"

I jumped off the couch but her tail quickly wrapped around my legs and chest before she pulled me back.

"It's just because you smell so tasty!"

She pulled me closer to her and flicked her tongue against my cheek.

"Mmmmm... you smell like cinnamon."

I shivered as she ran her tongue across my cheek again.

"Remind me to switch soaps when we get back."

Tassali smirked before looking at the list again. She sighed before poking my head.

"What do you want to eat! I'm starving!"

I slammed my head into her tail and growled,

"That's literally what I've been asking you! Because I... don't... care!"

"Well I don't know what I want."

Of course she didn't. But she definitely knows what she doesn't want... which is everything. I wiggled my arm out if its scaly bindings before randomly pointing at a restaurant.

"There. How about seafood."

She hummed before nodding.

"I guess. I have read that it is typical to eat seafood while at the beach."

I sighed in relief before flopping back.

"Finally! I was ready to go out and forage for my dinner."

She huffed and pulled away.

"I didn't take that long. Besides, aren't human males supposed to be more assertive in relationships in order to convey masculinity and strength to the female."

I scoffed before going to get changed.

"I'm sorry, but I'm too apathetic to do that. I'll let you do your thing so I won't get eaten."

I heard indistinct grumbling as I changed from my beach clothes to more formal attire. Once I was ready I waited for Tassali to change before we left for the restaurant. It wasn't very far so we just walked. Well... I walked. Tassali slithered. Once we arrived Tassali froze and gave the building a nervous look.

"What's wrong?"

She grumbled before saying,

"I wasn't expecting there to be so many humans here."

I followed her gaze and saw that it was quite crowded.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll still have a table."

"It's not that."

I gave her a questioning look before she gestured to herself. I looked her over and... oooooooh.

"You don't want to be the only Viper there."

She hesitantly nodded. I looked at the restaurant again before noticing a takeout counter.

"We can get take out and eat it back at the cabana."

"I would prefer that."

"Alright, I'll grab us a menu and we'll see what we want."

Once I'd secured a menu we both began to peruse its contents with great interest. Eventually I decided to get the blackened tilapia while Tassali chose lemon peoper bass. With the deciding out of the way, I returned to the restaurant and placed our order.

I stood near the counter as I waited which was near both the bar and the entrance. The building was one of those places with a large outside area rather than being all indoors. If I looked carefully I could barely see Tassali sitting a little bit away by herself. The food came and I was about to leave when a man stinking of alcohol got in front of me. I tried to skirt around him only for him to turn and slur,

"Got some money I kin borrow?"

"No. Excuse me."

He grabbed my shoulder and glared at me.

"What? You thinksh your better than me! Don't you!"

"No I never--"

In my attempt to get out of the way I bumped a passing server who dropped a pitcher of water right on the drunks head. He shoved me backwards before advancing on me. He raised his fist and yelled. Before the punch could connect a scaled hand caught his fist and twisted it viciously. The man yelped as he was pulled forward before being thrown bodily out of the building and into the bushes. I looked over and saw Tassali looking very angrily at the man as he got to his feet.

She slithered over (with me following close behind) and jabbed a finger at him.

"If you so much as dare to pull a stunt like that again, I will personally break every bone in your pathetic body. Understand!"

He stood shaking in place as he gibbered before he toppled over... and I'm pretty sure he crapped himself. Not that I blame him. Having an angry Tassali threatening you is quite the intense experience. Just like having a frisky Tassali talk dirty to you is an intense experience... Tassali is just intense.

She nodded in satisfaction before motioning for me to follow her out of the restaurant. I hurried to catch up while curtly apologizing to everyone in the restaurant. We walked home in silence with me attempting to avoid eye contact. Not because I was scared or anything. Exact opposite actually. Having Tassali kick somebody's butt for me is oddly arousing.

I noticed her giving me concerned glanced out of the corner of my eye but I maintained a steely disposition. If I started gushing about the incident now we might not get back to our room with the food in time for dinner. Once inside Tassali placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Timmothy, please don't be frightened of m--"

"THAT WAS FRICKIN AWESOME!"

She pulled back and gave me a shocked look.

"W-what?!"

"That was the best thing I've seen in a while! I think you literally scared the crap out of him!"

"But I don't--"

"I swear you the best girlfriend ever... And the sexiest. Watching you lay into that jerk like that... let's just say I was getting a bit 'excited.' I mean, you were so intense! It was just... just... dang!"

She began to blush profusely and looked away.

"D-did... you really like it that much?"

"I mean, it was more you being that awesome more than that guy getting his butt kicked, but it was still awesome."

"So... can I do something then?"

"Uh... okay?"

She scooped up the food and me before coiling up on the couch with me held against her. She got settled before handing me my food and starting to eat hers.

"So... you wanted to cuddle?"

"N-no! You just make a comfy tail warmer. Nothing else."

"Uh... sure..."

My girlfriend is the coolest.

(Author's note)

Apologies on how late this was, I am very lazy and procrastinate everything. I've also been very busy with school...yay. Anywho. Hope you liked the chapter and I've been reading you guy's reviews amd don't worry, I've got plans for this story. Also your ideas have been put into consideration. Ciao!


	16. Chapter 15

I looked out over the waves as I sat perched on a large outcropping of rock by the shore. Today was the day we were going to head home, and ,to be honest, I was sorta depressed.

"Enjoying being taller than me for once?"

I looked down at Tassali as she gave me a cheeky smirk. I responded by giving her a sly smile.

"Actually, it's more that high angle and you in a V-neck equals win."

She blushed and crossed her arms.

"I swear, I sometimes feel like the only reason you like me is my chest."

"Nah, it's more a perk than the driving reason. The real reason is because you'd probably hurt me if I didn't agree to date you."

"You bet your... ass? You humans say that, right?"

I nodded.

"You bet your ass I would. I'd simply inform you that you're going to date me and you're going to like it."

I rolled my eyes.

"Wow, how romantic."

She snickered before gesturing for me to follow her.

"Come on, it's time to go."

With a sigh I hopped down from the rock and followed along after her.

"Ugh, I've always hated this part of vacation. When you realize that it's all over and you have to go back to the real world."

Tassali shrugged.

"That's simply life. Fun can only last for so long."

"Yeah."

As we walked I reached into my pocket and pulled out the gift I'd been working on.

"Here, it's for you."

Tassali glanced over and gave me a curious look before picking up the small package. Inside was a leather necklace that I'd attached a sand dollar to. She smiled before putting it on.

"Thank you. I find it quite pleasant."

"Hey, I'm supposed to do stuff like this... I think, so don't think too much of it. Although I figured you'd like it."

She stooped down and wrapped me in a tight hug.

"I do indeed like it."

After that we got on board the transport and headed back to the base. Upon arriving... well... I'm not sure how to describe it so I'll just quote Tassali on this.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY BASE!!!"

The base... was pretty messed up. Broken doors, dead troopers, burns and bullet holes , basically everything was caput. As Tassali darted off to do some commander stuff I approached one of the troopers. To be honest I'd never really talked to one before given they had just kinda ignored me. I had assumed it was just what they were supposed to do at the time, but I had noticed that they were a little bit... weird.

Anyway, I approached the trooper and asked,

"What happened here?"

He didn't respond... or she didn't respond, I couldn't tell.

"Were you guys attacked?"

Suddenly, another trooper came over and... talked? I guess talked to the trooper.

The trooper nodded and followed after him.

"... what the actual heck language was that!?"

I decided that I should ask Tassali about it later. I mean, that definitely wasn't English, French, Spanish, or even German. Honestly, those guys had always creeped me out but this... this was extra weird. I froze in shock and horror when I saw the body of one of them on the ground... without its helmet. I don't know what these things were... but they definitely weren't human.

Just then Tassali returned and growled,

"Apparently XCOM raided the base when we were away. Fortunately nothing too important was damaged, but we did lose a number of troops."

"Y-yeah... I'd noticed."

She gave me a concerned look.

"Are you feeling okay? You seem... distressed."

"Y-yep! J-just peachy!"

She scrutinized me a bit more before slithering away. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but I had a feeling I hadn't been supposed to see what I'd seen.

(Author's Note)

Sorry about the short chapter, but I've been busy. I'll try to keep updating regularly, especially now that the crap has hit the fan.


	17. Chapter 16

The last week had been... awkward to say the least. I mean, it's usually acknowledged as bad for a relationship to keep secrets like one of them secretly moonlighting as a super villain or being oddly aroused by the smell of peanut butter, but this took the cake. Not only did I know that the Advent Peacekeepers weren't actually humans... I also knew that something was going on behind the scenes. Fortunately for me Tassali was too busy repairing the damage from the attack to actually spend time with me (again, bad sign for a relationship that one of the people is now deathly afraid of getting whacked for knowing too much) so she couldn't exactly tell how nervous I was.

"Nothing makes sense! Why make us think they're humans when they aren't? What happened to all those people that signed up to be Peacekeepers? And--" I glanced down at the datapad full of information that I totally did not steal, "What is the Avatar project? What does it mean when it says that they need humans to 'process?'" I stopped pacing when my stomach grumbled. I'd locked myself in an old storage room but now I needed to leave... for food... which would lead me outside the command center.

"Grrrraaaaah! Everything was so much easier when I wasn't woke!"

I stealthily exited my hideyhole and cautiously made my way down the hall. No cameras were posted here so I was safe from that. I had also taken the time to disable the trackers in everything I possessed... what?! I was paranoid! Still am! For good reason!!!!!!!

PROCESSING!!!!!!!!

OH SWEET SISTER FRANCIS THAT'S WHAT THEY DO TO ANIMALS WHEN THEY BUTCHER THEM!!!!!!!!

I froze outside the door to the command room when I heard Tassali speaking with someone.

"W-what do you mean?!"

"That you must send your assistant to us for processing. He is need for the continuation of the Avatar project."

"Why him?"

"Do you dare to question the will of--"

"N-no! I was simply curious!"

"This matter is not for you to know. You must only comply."

"...I understand."

"Good. We will be expecting him by tomorrow."

There was a click and I dove into a nearby broom closet. After a slight pause I heard the telltale sound of Tassali making her way down the hall. Obviously she was searching for me.

Crap, now there's only one option left for me. I gotta escape... from my girlfriend... ex girlfriend? Whatever. Either way I don't want to be killed by her. Although... did she actually have any interest in me, or was it all just an act? No, no. Think about this later, when you're... wherever I'm going to go.

I cautiously left my hiding spot and made my way to the room I had previously been in, my hunger all but forgotten. I hurriedly stuffed what I could into a bag before opening the grate to the air ducts. I'd spent a great deal of time learning how to escape should I need to. My route was simple, crawl through this duct until I reach the next room. Gather supplies. Flee. Simplicity itself. Well, except for having a whole base of aliens searching for me. Hooray.

I had to punch the grate a few times before the metal covering fell from the duct. With a few twists and a lot of squirming I managed to deftly-- ah screw it, I fell. It hurt. My life sucks right now.

"Owwww... dang it all. And dang my lack of swearing! Why'd I have to be raised so well!"

With a huff I dusted off my clothes and set to work putting as much food and water as I could into my backpack. I also had brought my datapad and other such belongings I really wanted from my personal belongings, but I still had to leave some behind. Whatever, I'm getting off track. With the packing done I climbed back into the vents and crawled my way to one of the external openings.

"Okay, I just have to... sneak out of a military base. Heck."

At that moment, I recalled something. Something I'd noticed before but not really paid attention to.

"Hold up... security here sucks!"

I dropped to the ground and glanced around before simply walking out of the compound and into the surrounding forest.

"Huh, that was... easy."

Now I just had to make my way to... wherever I was going. I probably should have planned ahead more.

(Meanwhile)

Tassali locked the door to her room before stripping off her armor and diving under the covers. She used her tail to pull the tub of ice cream she'd retrieved closer before beginning to devour the creamy dessert. As she ate, she sniffled and rubbed her necklace. She had already sent word that Timmothy had mysteriously vanished and no one around the base knew where he had gone, but she still wasn't happy, despite the hope thar he was okay.

"I-I'll miss you. W-wherever y-you went!"

(Author's Note)

Holy pumpernickel, I am tired. I typed this up in an airport. Got bad writer's block. Gonna me traveling again this week. Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon. Hope you liked it. Sorry.


	18. Chapter 17

A man hiked through the rugged wilderness. As he crested the hill he'd been climbing he stood triumphantly at the top. This was his element. The wild was where he thrived. He adjusted his pack before tugging on his short beard as he looked at his map. This man was not Timmothy. Timmothy was miles away having a much different experience.

"Uuuuuugh. Nature sucks."

I swatted at the cloud of knats that had been hounding me for hours. I was sick and tired of walking, bad food, and knats flying up my nose. It had been two days since I had escaped the base where I had been living (and my ex girlfriend/ potential murderer) and I had realized just how poorly video games, movies, and books portrayed the "great outdoors." I trudged onward, trying my hardest to not trip over the tree roots everywhere.

"Stupid nature, stupid bugs, stupid Advent, and stupid me for dating a FREAKING ALIEN! I mean, I've watched how many sci-fi movies and didn't think that maybe I shouldn't get into a relationship with an extraterrestrial? It's all video game's fault with their sexy aliens and 'relationship' options. To be honest, why was I even dating her? I mean, we didn't have _that_ much in common. And she was a freaking snake! A snake with nice jugs, made me feel wanted for once, and actually found me attractive somehow... but a snake nonetheless."

I sighed before slapping the bugs feasting on my blood.

"Yeah, totally didn't actually like her. I was just trying to save my own hide from my boss."

Liar liar...

"To be honest I should be _glad_ that I'm gone. Honestly, what would my family have thought? 'Hi Mom and Dad! Meet my girlfriend! She's a massive snake lady who's about a foot taller than me and three times as strong! We all know who wears the metaphorical pants in this relationship!' Yeah, it totally would have sucked because she'd probably would have become even more assertive and bossy the longer the relationship lasted. Imagine if we'd have gotten married. 'Timmothy! Rub my back!'

'Yes dear, anything for you dear.'

'I'm hungry! Make me some steak!'

'Of course dear, would you like to use me as a chair again too?'

Talk about awful. I'm glad I'm all alone in the middle of nowhere. I never even liked her and totally don't find her to be attractive and lovable and the first person to show genuine interest in me."

Pants on fire.

I walked... and walked... and walked... and-- you get it, walking, fun. Basically my feet were killing me and so was my stomach. I flopped down under a tree and began preparing for the night. I didn't have a tent, so I had just been sleeping with a sleeping bag and my backpack as a pillow. I shifted and dug a rock out from under my back md threw it away... only to lie down on yet _another_ rock. I lept up and growled before throwing this rock as hard as I could.

"That is it! SCREW THIS! SCREW ADVENT! SCREW HAVING TO LEAVE ALL MY STUFF BEHIND! SCREW NATURE! SCREW ROCKS! AND SCREW... Tassali..."

I growled before slumping against a tree and glaring at the stars.

"Why me? Why couldn't you have chosen somebody else to pick on, universe? I didn't want, nor ask, for any of this crap."

When no response was forthcoming, I went back to my sleeping bag and settled in for the night.

"Whatever. It's happening anyway so I might as well be rested for whatever comes tomorrow."

(Tassali)

With a sigh Tassali removed her armor and changed into her casual attire. She sat on her bed and pondered what she should do. She glanced over and noticed the time.

"9:50... I've got plenty of time to... do..."

She grimaced as she drew a blank. Typically she would have been trying to further her career, but now, she didn't really feel like it.

"I could always... read a book, or exercise... again. There's always television or... or..."

For the first time, Tassali realized something.

"This place is boring as $#!@."

But no, she wouldn't give in to boredom! She'd overcome it! She'd think of something to do! She looked over at her bookshelf and had an idea.

"Maybe..."

(Later)

With an anxious hiss Tassali knocked over the first book before retreating to the pillow fort she'd built. She gleefully watched the books topple over, knocking over a strategically placed ruler that continued the fall along her bed and down to the floor again. Finally, the line spiraled around her room and ended by knocking over a massive card tower she'd built.

"Perfect! I knew my engineering was flawless!"

She glanced over at the clock and--

9:59

"SSSSSSSSSKYAARGH! TIMMOTHY I WILL PERSSSSONALLY THRASSSSH YOU FOR LEAVING ME BORED AN ALONE! HOW DARE YOU ABANDON ME TO THISSSSS WRETCHED CESSSSSPOOL OF BOREDOM!"

She huffed before slumping against the wall.

"I bet he's having so much more fun than I am right now."

(Timmothy)

"Hands where I can see them!"

I stood nervously at the center of the ring of well armed soldiers that were all aiming at me.

"Guys, guys... n-no need to be rash here. I'm just wandering around, I swear. Why would you even think I was out to get you?"

One of them raised an eyebrow.

"A lone man wandering the woods near a base containing intel we just stole? How is that not suspicious."

"Because I'm just--"

"Hey, this guy's Advent! Says so right here on this badge."

All guns retrained on me and several more joined them. I halfheartedly chuckled.

"Hehe... I can explain?"

(Author's Note)

Sorry for being the worst and making you guys wait. I'm not dead, I swear.


	19. Chapter 18: Part 1

"So... run that by me again."

I gulped. I was handcuffed to a chair in a very intimidating room somewhere I didn't know. I'd been blindfolded and flown somewhere for "questioning." (Interrogation)

"Okay, so I was just a typical desk worker when—"

The military dude held up a hand.

"No, back to why you're on 'our side.'"

"Oh, well, I did some snooping and found out what Advent was up to with the whole Avatar project and everything. So I kept digging into all the dirty secrets I could until they tried to take me out. So I ran for it... Did I mention that I really don't like how they're turning humans into gene goo? 'Cause that was a big factor in my decision to bail."

He leaned forward.

"And do you happen to have brought any of this information with you?"

"Y-yeah. In my bag, on my datapad."

The man motioned for one of his soldiers to check my bag. After a brief search my datapad was set on the table for all to see. Uh oh, please don't check my pictures!

"Can we get a techie in here to check for bugs?"

One of the men pulled out a walkie talkie and requested for said techie. But seriously, Tassali had taken a couple pictures of herself on my datapad (something about me needing to set them as my background. Altogether a little work inappropriate) that obviously would be suspicious... as well as some pictures of herself of the more "risqué" variety that I didn't want anyone to see... Not "that" sort of risqué! Just... kinda risqué. Like her in her bikini, her underwear, a maid outfit... why didn't I delete those after our understood breakup? Oh... oh yeah, that's why. 'Cause they're really dang hot. Say what you will about Advent and the aliens and whatnot, but Tassali still was sexy as all get-out in my opinion. Despite being my ex girlfriend/boss/potential murderer.

Does this count as being a dysfunctional relationship or treason against humanity?

Soon a woman in an engineers uniform entered the room and began fiddling around with my datapad. Eventually she set it down and turned to my interrogator.

"It's clean. All tracking devices have already been disabled."

"Yeah, I did that so they couldn't track me down."

The man nodded before saying,

"Thank you, you may go now."

The woman left without a word leaving me the sole object of the man's scrutiny. He tapped his fingers on the table before saying,

"So... what am I going to do with you."

I gulped.

"Uh... you could let me go?"

"Unfortunately, that's out of the question. If you were to fall into enemy hands who knows what they could learn to our disadvantage. It would cause all that we learn from the information on your datapad to be useless. So, you have two choices. You can either be locked up in the brig, or you can work as a deckhand where we can supervise you."

"So... what would that be?"

He gave me a blank look and sighed,

"Seriously? I thought I'd made it pretty clear. You can either—"

"N-no I understood. It's just... what would I be doing if I _did_ choose to be a deckhand?"

"Ah, I see. Well, you'd be helping to maintain the _Avenger._ Cleaning, minor repairs, sorting, that sort of thing. Based on what you said, all stuff you've done before."

I nodded.

"Alright, sounds fair to me."

The man nodded before gesturing for one of his men to unlock me. He stood and held out his hand.

"Smart choice. Anyway, welcome to XCOM."

(Author's Note)

I'm so sorry for the wait. And also for the short chapter. I've been working on this chapter for a while but just wasn't happy with it, so I cut it in two so I could release the part I was happy with and continue working on the other, like, 5/8'ths of this chapter. (That's a word, right? 5/8ths?) Hope you enjoyed and I'll try to get my act together soon.


	20. Chapter 18 part 2

"Alright, here's your bunk."

I looked at the small, obviously uncomfortable bed and suppressed a grimace. My new boss then shoved a bundle into my arms.

"Here's your uniform, ID, toothbrush, soap, and all the other crap you need."

"Right... thanks."

He snorted.

"Go screw yourself."

Ooookay. He's friendly. I looked to the only other person in the barracks and waved.

"Hey, how's it going."

"Shut up before I beat the s*t out of you."

So is EVERYONE this friendly? Or just the two I've met. I set my stuff on my bunk and walked out of the barracks. I mean, I'm assuming I can go wherever I wanted. I was on staff now. I followed the signs to the cafeteria and wandered in to see various people all eating and talking. I took a seat in the corner and noticed some of them staring at me. I waved and some of them walked over. A woman with her brown hair tied in a ponytail gave me an appraising look.

"So, you're the new guy."

I nodded.

"Yeah, my name's Timmothy."

One of the men scoffed.

"He looks like a little b*h."

Wow, being the worst must just be the norm around here.

Lady laughed and said,

"You got that right."

A man with close-cut black hair and a goatee leaned over to Ponytail.

"Heard from one of my friends in engineering that he used to be Advent."

That won me more than a few glares. I nervously chuckled as more people joined the group antagonizing me.

"Well... I was little more than an over glorified janitor. I just cleaned stuff and got people coffee."

Goatee nodded a few times before saying,

"Well, now you're just a janitor."

He tipped a tray of food onto the floor and jerked his head towards it.

"Clean that up."

Before things could get out of hand, a burly man came charging out of the kitchen and picked goatee up by the collar.

"Why throw food on floor, huh?! Is not good enough for you?"

Goatee started freaking out and the members of the group either dispersed or started trying to calm the chef down. Ponytail rushed to Russian dudes side and said,

"Simon, calm down!"

Simon the meathead growled.

"No! He throw food on ground! I work hard to make food! Is mama's special recipe for borscht and pirogues! And he throw it on the ground like that! Bah! Wasteful."

Goatee held up his hands and shook his head.

"I-I'm sorry! I just was hazing the new guy!"

Simon looked over at me and frowned.

"I do not know you. Did you like food?"

I nodded and forced a smile. I really didn't want to mess with him. Simon nodded.

"I like. These people give you problems, you tell me. I rip off limbs."

"Okay, thank you!"

What have I gotten myself into.

(Tassali)

Tassali hummed as she read over the message on her datapad. She might have stopped seeking it out, but apparently her promotion was here at last.

"Well... I might as well. Serving directly underneath one of the main leaders of our forces is defined more of an honor than this job."

(Author's Note)

My schedule is slowly starting to become less crazy! The reason why this chapter was late was due to massive schedule overload. Also it literally is the continuation of last chapter ergo why it's so short. Sorry.


	21. Chapter 19

I whistled a little tune as I mopped the floor of the armory. Returning troops had gotten blood and debris all over it so I had to clean it up. I'm not complaining, but this job so far has been a total bore. I've been a janitor for about a month now and it still hasn't led to anything remotely exciting. You'd figure that working for the human resistance would mean something interesting every day, but not for the janitor. Not that I was complaining. I was just fine with no near death experiences. But... at least a little excitement would be nice.

"Deckhand Timmothy Poinsette report to the bridge immediately."

...A raise and and a bigger room would be nice!

...Just checking.

I pushed my mop bucket to the elevator before pressing the button for the bridge. I idly stood by as generic elevator music played with each passing *ding*. I exited the elevator and made my way to the bridge as uniformed staff milled around. Upon entering the door the man named Central glanced at me.

"Good, you're here. There was a coffee spill over there."

"On it."

As I mopped I overheard the head honchos discussion.

"Are you sure you can't pinpoint the location?"

A woman in coveralls sighed,

"Yeah. We know that they're keeping original of the blackbox for the new automated units in a secure location, but we can't find the exact spot."

Central sighed.

"Perfect. If we could only get that blackbox we could have a huge advantage over the newest mechanized troops Advent sends against us. How's the attempt to get into the Advent main server coming along?"

A man at a computer turned and shook his head.

"No dice. It's all password protected, encrypted, and blocked with firewalls. There's no way to bypass the security."

Wait... bypass the main server security?

"Well keep working. I want... Deckhand, is there a reason why you're eavesdropping?"

I flinched and shook my head.

"No sir."

"Back to work."

I returned to my mopping as I weighed my options. I could do "it" again, but maybe I shouldn't. It might not even work. I mean, Tassali could have told one of the higher ups about it. But...

"Actually... there is a reason."

Everyone turned to look at me as I gestured to the computer.

"May I?"

The man looked at Central who gestured for him to move. I sat down and everyone crowded around behind me. I cracked my fingers before typing,

AAAAAAAAAAA* enter

"Password incorrect."

Enter

"Password incorrect."

Enter

"Password—"

Enter

"Password—"

Enter

Enter

Enter

Enter

Enter

Central groaned.

"Is there a reason you're—"

"Password Accepted. Welcome *ERROR*."

Everyone stared at the now waiting computer.

"How did you?"

"Uh... my old boss hated having to authorize all my stuff so she taught me how to do that. The server crashes if you repeatedly enter an incorrect password too many times and will let you in. That's... kinda how I got all the information before I left. I'm pretty sure that the only reason they don't fix it is because nobody would think to do it."

I got up and the man from before rushed over and began maddly typing away. Before long he turned to Central and said,

"I've got it. We have a target."

"Location?"

"Uh... somewhere in the Midwest. I'll send the coordinates to the pilot. We should arrive there in a couple hours. Should we head there?"

Central nodded.

"Yes. I'll notify the Commander. Prepare Alpha Team for departure."

He turned to me and asked,

"Deckhand, do you know how to locate, decrypt, and download data files from Advent tech that's heavily protected? Because no technicians we have can do it before reinforcements show up. But you... you must have done similar, correct?"

"Uh... yeah. I've done that. Loads of times. In a couple minutes tops."

"Then we need you to follow after the team we send in and download that blackbox. You shouldn't see any combat and you'll have an escort. Are you willing to do this to help your species survive?"

Uh... let me think. On one hand, I would kinda be in harms way. On the other... stop Advent and look cool while doing it.

"Alright... I'll do it."

He nodded and moved to the main console.

"Well then, you'd better suit up. It won't be long before we're there."

I saluted and ran out the door.

"Deckhand!"

I poked my head back in. He was totally going to say something inspiring or—

"You forgot your mop."

...or that.

(A few hours later)

"You sure this is safe?"

I looked down at the ground far below as the soldiers prepared to jump.

"Safe enough. Now quit whining and jump."

"Maybe you should go— AAAAH!"

I screamed as I was pushed out of the skyranger. I had been attached to the drop line before but I still grabbed it to slow my descent. I froze as I dangled half a foot off the ground.

"See, you lived. Alright! Team A form up! Escort team you stay here until we send the signal. Let's move!"

The larger group vanished into the night leaving me and two others at the drop point. I gulped and adjusted my bulletproof vest.

"So... how long should this take?"

One of the soldiers shrugged.

"Not long. You know how to use that gun?"

I looked down at the pistol strapped to my waist.

"No."

"Great. Here's a crash course you see," he pointed to a small button near the trigger, "That? That's the safety. If you really, really, REALLY need to shoot something, you turn that off and point it at the thing. You then pull the trigger and bang. Got it."

"Uh... I think."

"Good. Now don't unholster it."

"Then why did you guys give it to me?"

"Probably so you can kill yoursef rather than get captured."

"Uh..."

"Joking... joking."

That killed the mood of camaraderie. We all idly sat there as we waited for the signal. What the signal was exactly I didn't know, but hopefully somebody did.

"So... uh... this signal. What's it gonna be?"

"You'll see."

"...Ooooookay. So anything I should—"

"This is a covert operation so you should probably keep it down."

I shut my mouth. I mean, they did all... this regularly. They know what they're doing.

POP*

"What in the—"

"There's the signal. Let's move!"

"But I—"

"Move!"

I let out a startled "eep" as the soldiers tugged me forward. We ducked through rubbpe and past burning robots.

"How did they do this so quietly?"

"Ssh!"

"Seriously! Those are explosion marks!"

"Do you want to alert Advent!"

"But how would my talking do that when EXPLOSIVES DIDN'T!"

I got no reply. Fine then, be that way.

"Here they are."

We stopped at the door of a small building. The other soldiers were standing around waiting for us.

"Good, you made it. We searched the building. It's clear. Do your thing while we keep watch."

"Uh... okay."

I entered the building and slowly approached the terminal. My main question was, I already told the people how to bypass the security, so why were they having me—

BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Metal shutters closed down over the door and windows as the soldiers outside spun around in surprise. Wait...

"Uh... if this is a trap, whose trap is this?"

"Mine."

I turned to see some guy in armor slowly walking towards me as ominous music played in the background. I just stared at him.

"Uh... who are you? And why are you playing music? It really isn't working."

The man groaned.

"I know. I figured it was worth a shot at least. Anyway, you're trapped. Prepare to die XCOM scum."

"Correction, you prepare to die Advent traitor."

We both turned as a Gremlin flew down to window level. The man smirked.

"Ah, you must be the legendary Commander. As you can see, the 'blackbox' was a trap and I now have—"

"My janitor."

The man froze.

"Wait, what?"

"Yup, that's a janitor. I knew this was a trap so I turned it into trap for you. Come out with your hands up or you aren't coming out alive."

He grabbed me and pressed a gun to my head.

"Or, you leave now or I blow his brains out!"

"Woah woah woah! I thought we had chemistry! I commented about your music!"

"No hard feelings janitor, but I'm not going down. SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE COMMANDER! I WILL KILL... what's your name?"

"Uh... Timmothy?"

"I'LL BLOW TIMMOTHY'S BRAINS OUT! SO WHAT'S IT GOING TO—"

thwak!*

I flinched as the man crumpled to the floor.

"HANDS OFF MY MAN!"

Was that...

"Timmothy! I was afraid I'd never see you again!"

Crap. I turned to see a certain Viper standing(ish) over the form of hostage dude. I gulped as the soldiers and Commander panicked.

"Viper! Get out of there, Deckhand!"

I yelped as she darted forward and hugged me.

"Oh, Timmothy! It's been so boring without you around."

I squirmed out of her embrace and scowled.

"Excuse me! I am mad at you!"

She gave me a confused look.

"Uh... why?"

"Uh... you were going to hand me over to your bosses to have me killed, you people(ish) are killing my species, and you totally boss me around! Also you really need to keep those pictures off my datapad."

She crossed her arms and scowled.

"No, I wasn't going to give you to them. I was going to keep you in my closet like some sort of illegal pet. I personally am not harming your species and I had no choice but to join the military. And I am not bossy!"

"Yes you—"

She gave me the look. You know, the look. The "don't mess with me" look.

"...sorry."

"As I was saying, you should be glad that I'm assertive! You're kind of passive. And those pictures are fine given our relationship!"

"But on my work datapad?!"

The Commander cleared his throat.

"Excuse me, but what the actual Hell is going on?"

I turned to look at him.

"You see the thing is—"

"I'm Timmothy's girlfriend."

Everyone just stared. Ground, please swallow me.

"You're... Timmothy's girlfriend."

"Yes yes, now stop talking. Come on Timmothy, we're leaving."

"Excuse me!?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"We're not a thing!"

"Yes we are."

"No, we broke up!"

"No we didn't."

"Yes we did!"

"When."

"It was understood!"

"You don't seriously want to break up with me, do you?"

"...maaaaaaybe."

"But I beat that guy up for you!"

"The guy before or this guy?"

"Both!"

The armor dude lifted his head and groaned.

"Commander Tassali what is the meaning of—"

"Oh shut up. Nobody cares about you."

"But I—"

"No. One."

She tapped away at a keypad and the lockdown was over. She grabbed the armor guy and threw him to the soldiers.

"Here you go. Come on Timmothy! I found a nice place to go into hiding! I just technically committed treason for you, so we should avoid Advent."

I watched her go before sighing and shrugging.

"Might as well. Bye guys!"

I jogged to catch up to Tassali, leaving several confused soldiers behind.

"...Anyone want to explain what just happened?"

"...I need a drink."

(Author's note)

This might be the end of this story, but Timmothy and Tassali will be back. This one was basically pure comedy focused solely on the main characters, but in the second part I intend to introduce more characters, an actual story, and even pacing. But... it might take a while. Sorry about the wait, and I hope you guys have enjoyed this mess of a story. Also, I'll make a brief epilogue a little later, but this is technically

THE END


	22. Epilogue

We walked in semi-awkward silence to who knows where. I finally decided enough was enough.

"Soo... Where are we going?"

"Oh, back to the old base."

"Wait, I thought you said we were—"

"I was lying so XCOM wouldn't bother us. And besides, nobody at Advent knows I just attacked that jerk, and XCOM definitely won't let him go."

"Huh, but what about the whole sending me to be processed thing."

"Eh, I'll say you're somebody else."

"Cool, cool."

There was a pause before I asked,

"It's been a crazy few weeks, huh."

"Definitely."

"Feels like it went super fast."

"That's life. One moment you're a neonate with dreams of being a whale biologist, the next you're dating a human at your dead end job."

"...Hey, speaking of your job. Something has been bugging me for a while."

"What?"

"Remember when I got fried by electricity? Well, why'd you save me? You hated me!"

"Paperwork."

"What!?"

"You would not believe how much paperwork a dead employee makes. I always fire somebody before I kill them. That's what happened to the janitor."

"...Seriously?!"

"Yup. I fired him and immediately threw him out a window. I then picked his broken, yet still living, body up and suffocated him with my tail."

"...oh."

"Yup. But you were both too useful and too fun to torment to kill. Remember when I made you clean my quarters, that was funny."

"I didn't think you could sweat until then because snakes don't sweat."

"Timmothy... do snakes have boobs and arms?"

"No."

"So why would you assume that I don't sweat. I am an alien. It's just... a bit different than how humans sweat."

"How so?"

"Don't ask."

We walked a bit further before I said,

"That second night, after I cleaned, I had a disturbing dream about you."

"Oh? Was I eating you alive."

"Well... part of me anyway... I saw your lingerie."

She snickered.

"I guess the temptation was simply too great for a himan to handle and you had to fantasize about me."

"You realize I don't control my dreams, right?"

She shrugged and we kept walking.

"Anyway, I think it."

BOOOOOOOOM!!!!

I almost spun around before Tassali grabbed me.

"Cool guys don't look at explosions, Timmothy."

I shook my head as rubble rained down around us.

"I swear, sometimes it feels like my life is being orchestrated by an incredibly unmotivated high schooler."

(Author's Note)

I'm lazy. But here it is! I have no idea when the sequel will be coming out, but I figured that I should do this. Not too shabby for my first actual story, if I do say so myself. It's not great, but it's mine.


End file.
